Freedom in My Boundaries

Not long ago, during a chat with my uncle, I was asked if I had communicated with a particular cousin. 

“No,” I replied.

He blew out a soft sigh and said, “Wow, you can really hold a grudge.”

“I’m not holding a grudge, Tio, I am merely keeping a healthy boundary for myself.”

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UC Berkeley defines a personal boundary as “limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.” (“What Are Personal Boundaries?”)

Every family has its own sense of moral and ethical codes that are passed down, generation to generation. In her book, “Anatomy of the Spirit,“ Caroline Myss calls this “tribal power.” It consists of both positive and negative beliefs, behaviors and group experiences. It is considered “law of the land;” loyalists do not roam beyond nor define their own horizons. 

As family can be our first sense of belonging, we are generally strongly loyal to our familia. Loyalty is instinctive because evolutionary wise it increases our chance of survival. To go against this primal instinct can create immense fear, especially if one’s identity is strongly connected to their tribe. A person can feel like they are disrobing long worn roles and as result they may feel exposed and vulnerable. But, withdrawing from a family structure may be essential, because a toxic tribal power can negatively affect one’s individual health. The more one clings to a negative collective culture, the more susceptible they become to dis-ease. The stress will take a toll on one’s mind, heart and soul.

Setting boundaries takes a brave heart because it takes courage to place your needs first. Family will likely criticize you as being selfish, the boundary received as a betrayal and or rejection. This reaction is generally indicative of a narcissistic mentality but can become an opportunity of choice; either continue to be part of the cycle or get off the carousel. 

Another trait of human nature is to cultivate stories wherein we place ourselves as the “good one” and they as the “bad one”. The narration changes depending on who is telling the tale and whom is listening. We truly have no control over how the story is spun by others. Trying to overturn their narration, not matter how false it may be, is like trying to herd a bunch of cats: you just can’t and you’re foolish to believe you ever will be able to. So…you let go.

When I chose to stop playing my part in the relationship with my cousin, no doubt many stories were construed about me. Any or all of those fables are out of my control. I knew and understood that as exited stage left. If I had not departed when I did, I would have drowned in the cyclical pattern of a toxic relationship what was never going to change. What inspired my decision?

My mother’s death. It was a profound life changing experience. During this time I witnessed people showing up as their best or worst self. It was amazing to me when people dismissed a dying woman’s wishes because their personal agenda mattered more. The high sense of entitlement nearly broke my soul. Everything I witnessed and experienced was like pandora’s box being blown wide open: it forced me to reevaluate all aspects of myself and my life. I knew that love was all that mattered and to live a life not filled with it could only leave room for non-loving people.

Rather than ravage a war against them, I instead took responsibility for cultivating a life that came from my truth. I chose love for myself: mentally, psychically and spiritually. It required an honest look within and I had to become accountable for everything that aligned with my heart and what did not. In order to focus my energy into evolving, I needed to pull back all my outgoing energy that went into excessive toxic relationships, because the only ones it served, was them.

Letting go of virulent people has been essential to my vitality. I am sure some people would say, “But, if you only understood them.” I do understand them. I know why they act and behave as they do. I suspect my compassion was received as a red carpet. This cousin is immensely sad, angry and quite possibly wounded beyond repair; because they believe this is the one story that exists for them. Compassion does not mean we have to compromise ourself: it simply can be feeling sympathy. That can be enough and more than often than we realize, it is all that is really needed from us.

It has never been my intention to change them. I know I cannot. But, I did have the power to change my beliefs, behaviors and body of life and it was my responsibility to do so. They say we choose the family we are born into, for they provide a great many lessons. Perhaps the dissonance I experienced awakened in me an awareness of how I hope to never treat people and how I want to be in the world: honest, authentic, understanding, compassionate and…. to draw the line when I need to.

I am grateful for the few cousins I remain in contact with. The connections are honest and easeful. I have been fortunate to cultivate a broader sense of family within my current community and it is a beautiful blend of family and friends. I can honestly say that by letting go of negative family members, I am much happier for it. I have the energy and the room to be present in my life, both in heart and mind. As energy always finds a balance in life, I do have a deeper appreciation for the heartfelt connections that I am blessed with.

May you find your happy place and may it be complete with honesty, compassion and self love. For love of the self is truly when the healing begins and new chapters can form in your life story.

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“Compassionate people ask for what they need.

They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it.

They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”

~ Brene’ Brown

Soul Sisterhood

Step by step, my feet fall upon the cushy sand and I reminded of where I am in the moment.

My bearings are kept with the ocean on the right, cliffs on the left. A gentle breeze caresses my cheeks, the sun softly skims my skin. Words flow in between a beautiful friend and I and together they create a harmonious melody. Some of the notes are low, others high. Tones range from an upbeat excitement to slow and thoughtful, sometimes even sadness. The reflections soar like streams of silk dancing upon the music of our words. The considerate expressions and compassionate listening creates a sacred balance. I feel as though all the words I have spoken have cleared my mind and body, creating a sense of energetic and spiritual clarity. This is a Soul Sister walk ’n talk.

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Women heal by vocalizing, through talking out our experiences and feelings. When you move while talking, pent up emotions are exercised out. Though powerful it is relatively simple: we walk and talk. The combination can clear mental, emotional and energetic pathways. In this dynamic, women can offer one another the ability to feel seen and heard. This, in itself, can help mend deep wounds because one of the greatest ways to disempower someone is to minimize the ability for them to feel seen and heard. 

In Nischala Joy Devi’s book, “The Secret Power of Yoga”, she writes about how the root of the term “gossiping” came from “God’s parenting”. In our ancestral villages, women gathered and shared information to help spread knowledge as a way to keep all villagers safe. This ability to gather and share held an innate power that was successfully broken down and demeaned over time, through various patriarchal systems. In our culture today, women are starting to experience and understand how precious and powerful it is when women harmonize. Our gatherings enable expressions and our listening empowers every member in the circle.

The power of communication must be modeled and shared. Otherwise the language dies and people suffer. Similar to how stories or trade skills get handed down generation to generation; they need to be demonstrated in order for the youth to learn and pass it on. The ability to have conscious conversations was not modeled in my childhood home. I learned it over time and through key friendships.

IN THE PAST

I met my childhood bestie the first week in Kindergarten. I liked her right away; she had a bright, confident smile and something about her radiated “cool and down to earth.” 

I asked, “Wanna go play?” 

She said, “Sure!” 

We were best friends from that day until our first year in high school. Our friendship combusted midway through freshman year because I was wrestling with a severe depression and unbeknownst to me, she had all sorts of struggles going on too. Despite the years we had known each other, we didn’t share what transpired in each of our lives. Instead, we suppressed our strains. So, one day we had the argument that was the end of everything. We stormed off our separate ways and didn’t speak again until we were in our twenties. I was so shut down I didn’t even know it was one of the saddest moments in my life. My heart had been closed off from not sharing my truth due to a deep sense of shame. All too often silence and shame support systemic stigmas.

Fortunately my involvement in various school organizations did not leave me bereft of friendship throughout high school, but I didn’t meet that next special friend until my early twenties. It was during a very poor attempt at match-making by a friend to connect me with one of his friends. I instead connected with Daphne. 

She later called, “Want to hang out sometime?” 

I was amazed! I didn’t know grown-ups still asked if you wanted to be friends. “Heck yeah!” 

As an adult, the leap of friendship-faith is the same, just worded differently, “Would you like to get together for coffee?” “Do you enjoy wine tasting?”

Through my friendship with Daphne, I learned how to have conscious conversations; sharing without censorship and with great compassion. Even at such a young age, we were able to hold space for one another - to be heard and seen, without judgement, criticism or expectation. As I continue on my life journey, I now know how rare this is. Daphne and I are still friends and our closeness has become a cornerstone of the foundation in how I cultivate connections today. 

THROUGH MY FRIENDSHIPS

Every time we extend our hand in friendship, we extend a bit of our heart. We must each be brave to bare our truth and compassionate to not judge. We also need to take ownership of our feelings and speak up when needed to express when our feelings are hurt, when we’re confused or even to just to set boundaries. We are not responsible for emotionally managing another; it’s up to us to take care of ourselves - Soul Sisters just offer presence and support.

The crux of our ability to show up stems from how we show up and treat ourself. No one is born knowing how to love themself. Self compassion, self reflection and self love are qualities we must each learn and practice. Sisterhood can provide that space because we can all learn from and with each other. We are models for everyone one of our friends and every woman, whether we know it or not.

I have also learned the more you know yourself, the more attuned you are as to who is meant to be your friend. There are friendships that start with a sizzle and then quickly fizzle. That’s part of life; not every friendship is a perennial. Sometimes courting a friendship is like dating; you’re seeing and feeling if this friendship is meant to be or not to be. We can still learn something about ourself.

Community and individuality can co-exist when each friend remains consciously aware of the time and emotional space they take up. This mindfulness prevents the exchange from veering off and becoming one-sided. If there is not equanimity, the one who is able to share the least will end up feeling drained and eventually exhausted. We’ve all had the experience with the friend who always has something dramatic going on, always talks about themself and rarely ever asks how you are doing. Eventually, the friendship begins to feel more like an obligation.

THESE DAYS

My kindred spirit from grade school and I reconnect every few years. In our last conversation, I thanked her for being my childhood friend and what a gift it was even to this day. We were able to talk about the aftermath of our friendship and how each of our parents shamed us for not being able to work it out. My mother made it clear how very disappointed she was that I “gave up” on my friendship; that I should have been willing to work it out.

Here’s the kicker; my mother shamed me for something that was not modeled in my household. My parents would have spats and typically one of them would shut down and the other would storm off. That scenario sounds very familiar, doesn’t it? I simply did not know how to have constructive-work-it-out-conversations. I instead knew criticism, blame and accusations rather than reflection, accountability and articulation. I knew how not to say anything until…I blew up. For my friend, she said her household was similar; they didn’t talk about their feelings.

My parents reward system of approval or disapproval resulted in me yearning to be heard and seen. I replicated many family agitations with my grade school friends through power plays and exercising my own approval or disapproval. My subconscious wanted to heal my heart by repeating what it saw, heard, and felt. Because my initial perception of friendship was based on dynamics with my mother I was competitive, condescending and critical. I left those early friendships in the gutter because I didn’t know how to show up for myself.

This particular hindsight brings a beautiful realization: we are innately able to learn from others. 

EVER EVOLVING

The way I tend to my friendships has evolved over time. In my twenties, connections were largely centered around drinking, dancing and hoping to land a date with a dude. In my thirties, it was less about dancing and dudes and became more about dinner dates and going to bars. Once I was married, it ceased being about guys and conversations were more or less sprinkled into an activity or an outing such as dinner or shopping.

In my mid-forties, the pandemic shifted all of that and boy has it been a real blessing. When eateries and coffee houses had to close their doors, sister time was forced to happen outdoors. The pandemic essentially simplified everything: go out doors and….talk! So, whether there was a coffee in hand or not, conversations with my sisters became about just being together; deepening our one-on-one connection. It was also the beginning of a weekly Zoom chat with four amazing women that we call “Coffee Talk.” The insight, compassion and honesty of this group has been a real game changer. We’re able to be very real and raw with one another.

In my array of friendships, I am “in the middle” age wise and almost quite literally being forty six years old. I have friends in their late twenties all the way to their 80’s. No matter the “order”, insight can be offered in either direction. There is not a sense of entitlement of authority from the elders, nor does there seem to be sense of inferiority by the Youngers. I appreciate what I have and can learn from my older sisters and this in turn makes me realize the value of what I can pass onto another sister. Soul Sisterhood honors and celebrates who we each are not what “we” want you to be. I am lucky to know the amazing women I call soul sisters. I truly consider each of them to be Superheroes, because of what they bring into the world with their Truth, Heart and Soul.

My hope for all women is that everyone finds their circle, village or tribe where you can all talk and share your truth. May you each support one another and remember to stay true to yourself: don’t conform to belong. As long as we are willing to own our lessons; we are worthy and can all learn from each other. May we all continue to be life students and continue to grow and evolve in loving ourselves and our sisters. 

To my soul sisters of yesterday, today and tomorrow

May you continue to experience the joy and song

Of dancing to the rhythm of your heart’s drum

Through your journey in life

May you remember that what you do and say matters;

That every genuine No and Yes

Will give empower all in the Universe

May you remain bright, bold and strong

And know that your impact will live ever on.

Whether it be with a few or many

May your love, your heart and your soul prevail on.

Affirm Yourself

About a dozen years ago, while meandering through the clothing aisles at Ross, I came upon a gray tank top. When I pulled it from the rack, I saw that it read:

(on the front)

“DO WHAT YOU LOVE”

(on the back)

“LOVE WHAT YOU DO”

I turned the shirt forward and back a few times and kept silently repeating the print.

I recall reacting with, “Huh.” 

I felt inspired and a bit uncomfortable at the same time. In some way, the shirt ruffled something within me that was past my comfort zone. It resonated. So, I decided to own it and tossed the shirt into my cart. I still have the top and have worn it out. Literally. The fabric is sheer, the print barely there and it has a few holes. The tank top is on its “last life” as a pajama top now. I love this shirt.

The tank’s print was a Foreword in my new book on life. At the time I purchased the life affirming shirt, I was in a profession that did not make me happy. I wasn’t fulfilled - I was merely content. I knew, even though I didn’t have the slightest clue as to how, there had to be more to my life than the monotony it was, but I didn’t believe it was possible.

My next big awakening with affirmations was when I was introduced to Louise L. Hay and her legendary book, “You Can Heal Your Life.” Through the guidance of the self-paced healing book, I began to see how my emotional wounds and shadow beliefs manifested in my physical body and in my way of life. Something big happened as I went through the book. I began to see how I toted my shadow self around with me like a superhero cape. The illumination brought forth a profound healing that encouraged me to stop looking back upon my residual programs and instead to look forward and cultivate anew. That is the amazing ability of affirmations: they have the potential to shift our mindset, cultivate new thoughts and beliefs, and inspire us to Be in a new way.

Our conditioning begins when we began to communicate with the world. Therein the seeds of self-thought are planted and reinforced to become The System of Self-belief. The way we come to perceive ourself is what we come to believe as true. That conception blurs our actual ability to see and connect with our innate self by having us believe we are limited. While it is challenging to undo this unhealthy, sticky webbing, it is reversible. That’s why affirmations are powerful; the more you repeat them, the more you revise and can eliminate old programs.

For every one negative comment your consciousness takes in, it takes at least five positive ones to neutralize it and begin to shift your belief system the other direction. One negative to every five positive.

The other beauty of affirmations is that you can create your own. While guided affirmations like those provided by Louise L. Hay can be incredibly insightful, one does not have to depend on an outside source. Once you’ve dabbled and delved into practicing with affirmations, create your own. An affirmation does not have to be elaborate; they can be one word. Such as peace, love, devotion, creation, appreciation. Work with your phrases for a time, notice how you feel, notice what shifts within and within your life.

Here’s how they work.

Whether you write, recite them aloud, sing or paint them - the sheer act and fact that your consciousness has to acknowledge the affirmation is what is important. It’s sort of like using flash cards to train your brain - in this case, retrain your frame of mind. The key is to repeat the phrase a minimum of five times and to be physically engaged while doing so. The deeper the wound you are mending, the more important it is to connect to your body, your sense of self. Insults and injuries on all levels, are well imprinted in our minds because adrenaline is secreted during the original experience. The amplified energy locks the images, words, and emotions into what becomes our frame of reference. Injury and trauma can be over come when we have a visceral connection to our body and self in the present moment. That’s why repetition and writing (in particular) is a powerful dynamic that can shift your belief system. Before you begin your affirmation practice, take a moment to sense your connection to the space you are in, the way your body is supported - so that your mind knows you are in the moment. In the now.

Nothing is ever too late to over-ride or re-do. It comes down to our belief, faith some repetition (which is really about dedication and self devotion) and…some bad ass affirmations that can crack open your sense of empowerment. There is more to us than “meets the mind’s eye.” May you step out of your shadows and embrace the very words that resonate with you and Be You.

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References

“You Can Heal Your Life”, by Louise L. Hay

”Badass Affirmations: The Wit and Wisdom of Wild Women”, by Becca Anderson

You can also refer to my Love Notes for a monthly affirmation. A new one is posted at the beginning of every month and is also included in my monthly newsletter. Click here to subscribe.

Scar Tissue

Scar tissue can come in many forms; physical, emotional, mental. It is generated in an effort to protect us by encapsulating the wound, foreign element or trauma so as to make us feel safe and whole. Our body, just like our mind, will remember the threat, even if there is no longer one. My own body remembered and it told me.

This past late Spring, while receiving reiki from my dear friend (fondly called Flower Child), I felt called to tune into my body and have a conversation. Calendar-wise, it was a few weeks shy of having been a year since my surgery. The year before in June of 2021, I had a hysterectomy due to fibroids that had grown so large it was equivalent to being five months pregnant. There I was laying on the massage table, receiving reiki, close to the anniversary date and my body remembered. It was tense, locked in an automatic response mode. I rested my hands on my incision and silently asked, “What is wrong?”

I heard, “We are afraid we will be cut again. Last year you had us cut; the skin, layers of muscles and parts were taken away. We remember. So, we are afraid.” Even though I had communicated with my body prior to the surgery and shared the intention of it, I had neglected to let it know there would be no other procedure following. It didn’t get the memo. So, with love, I let my body know I understood its fear and sent love and appreciation to my abdomen. I then carefully explained the surgery had served its purpose and there would not be another procedure. We were all safe.” My abdomen softened, like a stick of butter.

My healing happened in stages. There were general one the doctors advised me of and there were my own distinct phases based on my body’s unique story. Despite what I might have expected or wanted of myself, my body had it own perception and timeline. Period.

I have been as mindful as I can be when it comes to tending to my physical and emotional healing. When it comes to my scar tissue, I continue to be aware of sensations in my abdomen. I am mindful to consistently stretch and release every muscle group interconnected with my pelvic floor to prevent the scar tissue from thickening. I have found stretches that allow my abdominal massages to go deep, but gently. 

I now must pay attention to how long I have been sitting because if I sit for too long, my left psoas major will contract and when it does it can be uncomfortable or even painful to walk. The incision itself can still be very tender. If I am not careful, just the sheer graze of an elastic waistband will feel like shards of fire glass. All this may be a process I have to continue throughout my life, but it is a conversation I am willing to hold. 

Our cultural mindset gears us to believe and behave that once a procedure is complete and the “major” healing is done - the patient is good and done to move on. But, the reality is that the body’s takes much longer than what doctors tell us, based on what they actually know. After any procedure, the body will develop scar tissue and it needs to be managed mindfully and consistently to avoid creating a domino affect throughout your body. For me, about seven to eight months after the surgery, I could feel that it was ok to deepen my stretches and move in familiar ways again.

Every body is different. Every person will have their own timeline to healing and each will have a unique set of needs in which to heal. Healing is not a race - it is a sense of being. To truly heal we have to be fully present and honest with our self to what is. It means acknowledging our current limitations and not being afraid to ask for support. It may mean relearning or unlearning something. Ultimately, it is about self acceptance: meeting yourself as you are. Not, where you think you should be but where you are right now.

Sometimes the process of healing can be emotionally challenging. We can feel vulnerable and insecure, thus stripped and raw. Without the body we are used to we can feel exposed. Our behaviors must adapt in order to survive and those changes can create a sense of being stripped. But, that stripping can create a sense of softness too. We can find ourselves deeply moved by another’s action in helping us, or the subtle power in a simple moment, or even just breathing. When we can be genuinely present with ourself throughout the process, it enriches the moments of celebration.

Time and time again, I am able to celebrate small activities that I used to know and do so well. It has been incredibly humbling and I appreciate the honesty in the relationship I have with my body. This past summer I stepped into the ocean and felt a freedom that I had not in a long while; I felt free in my body. I knew it was healed because it told me.

As for my emotional scar tissue, sometimes it still gets scratched. I did a lot of emotional healing leading up to the surgery, but it does not mean there is still not more lurking. My awareness of what is of myself enables me to be present and compassionate. It’s sort of like catching a lizard by its tail. I take it in, understand it, find appreciation for what it has shown me, place it down and move on.

The intelligence of the human body is a universe unto itself. Despite our technological advances, we are still exploring and expanding our understanding of the human form. But, the greatest exploration is the one we can allow for ourselves is of ourselves. There is so much more to us than skin and bone; we have heart, soul, energy. Let your scar tissue serve you by showing you what needs to be healed. Listen to it wholeheartedly and respond wisely. 

As you heal, try to respect your body’s timeline because it (the body) is a divine creation that is still showing us how to be.

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If you are interested in my previous entires about my journey of healing with and from my fibroids, I invite you to read: “Ohhh U-terus!”, “Fred, Ethel & My Womb” and “Saying Goodbye”.

Ohhh, no Toe...Leggo My Ego!

A week ago, while on a beach walk, in an attempt to gracefully leap away from a soft rolling wave, I smacked the second toe of my left foot on a rock. My toe bled immediately and the pain was significant. I continued walking because my car was a lengthy distance away, so I had to continue moving either way. Grateful for the company of my beautiful friend, as I ambled along, I pondered aloud some introspections that arose due to the injury. All the while, the cold water alleviated the ache. Every so often I’d glance down at my toe to see the waves gently wash the blood away. Mother Earth softly soothed my feet.

When I returned home, as I made my way to the bathroom, blood dripped and pooled onto my flip flop. It was quite a dramatic sight. Upon examination, I saw the jagged laceration ran parallel to the cuticle. Though I had not broken the bone or injured any other toes, it was incredibly humbling. After I thoroughly washed and bandaged my toe, I contacted my clients to cancel my private sessions. That is when my Ego started tripping. 

For the rest of the day, my Ego wailed like a coyote off in the hills. “This is sooooo stupid! This is, like, the smallest part of the body! C’mon!” Fear of loosing my livelihood flared like fireworks popping off in the dark night of the soul. Guilt, a sense of failure and many questions ricochetted through my mind. “Does this mean something? Was this an unconscious act of self-sabotage? What exactly is my fear?…” all boomeranged in my noggin. I tried to catch when my Ego blared so as to shift my awareness down into my heart; it was a constant teeter-totter.

I awoke in the middle of the night well aware of my toe. After tossing and turning a bit, I calmed my mind with a few deep breaths, and a rested a hand on my heart. Then, I finally asked the question, “Did this happen for a reason?”

Spirit: “Yes.”

Me: “So…there is a purpose in this?”

Spirit: “Absolutely. For now, rest and the answer will be revealed in the morning.”

Hearing that encouraged me to surrender my fear and as much of my Ego, as I could, to Spirit. It was like luring a feral cat, cleverly shrouding it in a warm blanket, then slowly and gently handing it to animal control. Except, it was about releasing control. Letting go, as much as I could, allowed me to fall into a restful sleep. I felt held in love, by something greater than myself.

The next morning, after a very mindful stretching practice I sat in meditation. This is what Spirit said.

You are too comfortable, too identified in your physical offerings. This injury is an invitation for you to move even deeper into the energy (of channeling and healing). Though the practice of yoga has been an incredible gate way for you, from the physical into the metaphysical, you still strongly identify with the body in such a way that it is limiting your access of the energy. The limiting belief that your physical offerings are the way to create financial prosperity is untrue. We invite you to move away from the comfort of these limiting beliefs and embrace the truth of your whole self. You are meant to be a gateway to help many heal. If you keep leaning on the physical identification of yourself as a healer, you will always limit your true, full potential and ability to do the work you genuinely feel called to do. It’s time to let go of the familiar and embrace your full potential. The shift has already begun and the pieces will fall into place. We will shape the how for you.

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As I compose this particular entry, it has been just a few days over a week since my toe injury. It’s amazing to think that my toe was and is an invitation to go deeper and expand my trust further. Every time I look at the little guy, I marvel at how tiny it all is relative to the powerful purpose it has served. Our body is a universe unto itself and we each, as people are a part of Life’s Universe.

During a recent yoga practice, I had a surreal moment. I was in a revolved forward fold and felt my distinct physical presence on the floor and an energetic, magnetic grounding of my energy. I was fully aware of myself on the Earth. At the same time, I heard Spirit say:

Remember the body is an avatar and everything about it is temporary. Even your thoughts and emotions are continually transitory. Supporting your presence through conscious connection to yourself in this physical representation is necessary, but it is even more essential to remember the deepest, most innate Self of who you fully and truly are. Cosmic consciousness, connection, compassion. Go there, be there, love there.

It sounds counterintuitive and feels ironic: we are temporary and every experience and emotion is also temporary, but yet we feel so much.

The human experience is beautiful, profound and certainly presents its challenges. Heart ache, heart break, domination, devastation, destruction, despair and yet we can also experience hope, joy, bliss, compassion, understanding, love, learning, growth, and evolution. We must treat our physical body with respect for it is our connection to and in the world, but we must also remember the whole truth of our Being is more than body and mind; it is heart, soul and spirit. When we are disconnected from our Inner Truth, the physical world will work in conjunction with the metaphysical and do its best to guide one back to their inner sense of alignment. 

While it may be a big stretch for some to understand or even accept that a toe injury could have great significance, I believe it was a small wake up call. And, I certainly don’t want or need a bigger one! I trust in the abstract, in the unseen of life. The unseen is where all the power really is: one’s intuition, intention, inner voice, inner Knowing. I believe that we are all being invited to move into that space of living. To be clear, I am not declaring that my experience is a mandate for everyone else - no, I am simply inviting everyone to see the signs and signals as they appear for them. Beyond adhering to the signs, please remember to practice self love and self compassion, for they are the first steps inward and the big ones we all need to move forward. 

How Do I Age With Grace?

When I was twenty five years old I discovered my first white hair. I plucked it out, looked at it, decided it was the end of the world, and went back to bed. Later, I of course posted about it on Facebook and received various commiserating comments. I realized I was not alone in feeling sad about aging. My reaction was dramatic because many of my elders colored their hair, especially the women. My response imitated what I saw modeled by the elders around me; shame. There was and still is such a stigma of embarrassment around fading hair color and almost anything aging-related. A truth many people are unaware of is that when one ages, their entire complexion - skin, eyes and hair - all transition in harmony. Unfortunately, many do not allow themselves the opportunity to see this because they feel so pressed upon to hit the pause button. 

Everywhere we turn, we are inundated with messages on how not to appreciate our natural selves. It is burned into our self perceptions that we must always “better ourselves” and to remain young looking is the key to happiness, being loved and accepted. In a documentary a fashion expert said (something along the lines of), “Fashion has never been designed to meet the needs of the consumer…it is geared to make you want to be the person in the commercial images…to make you feel inadequate otherwise.” Marketing tactics are geared to make many fear aging. Trends are determined by fashion and cosmetic industries, not us.

Whatever symbolism of youth one chooses to hold onto is unique to them. I do not mind my increasing number of gray hairs, but it took me awhile to accept when it was time to permanently remove my navel ring. In 2021, my doctor and surgeon required my navel piercing be removed before the procedure. It was the first time it had been taken out in nearly thirty years. To me, my navel looked naked without it. After my abdomen mended, I had the piercing reinserted to commemorate my healing. And….quite honestly, my Ego needed it. That belly ring was a bookmark and symbolism of my self agency. 

Over the decades, the piercing’s setting progressively moved closer to the epidermis until there was nothing between my skin and the ring. The time had come; it was time to remove the piercing permanently. I knew the day would come eventually, but I had to sit with it for a while. I removed my belly button ring for the last time in May 2022. I anticipated being emotional, but instead I found myself in awe. The removal process was quick and easy: the ring slid out in one smooth move. As I gazed upon the jewelry in my hand, I marveled at how something so tiny once held such a sense of empowerment. Rather than grief, I instead felt love and admiration of my younger-self for having done what she wanted to do; it was her body, her will.

That said, every time I look upon my belly now it looks naked. I am still becoming familiar without it being dressed. In truth, everything about my stomach is different; I have a C-section scar, my waist size is different, the consistency of the skin is softer - everything is different. I choose to hold my tummy with humility, rather than remorse, for it is mine and it is now just adorned…differently.

Upon entering my 40’s, I stopped being apologetic and began releasing the idea of perfection and instead began to embrace self acceptance. I’ve done away with intense exercises to force-fix and mold my body because it is unkind and they just don’t feel good. At one point in time, high intensity work outs and hill sprints that put me on the brink of nausea served their purpose - or so I believed. Every so often I see images of myself throughout the decades 20’s, 30’s, early 40’s and as I look at myself I think, “Why did I think I was so (insert negative description here)? It was an old story that played itself on a loop.

Mindfulness: The self approach today requires being present to my thoughts so I can catch the self-shaming before it begins. That means not just the inner dialogue, but also the judgmental comments that could fly out of my mouth about someone else. For those we judge exemplify how we judge ourselves. What ever negative rhetoric we say, our subconscious hears it and it reinforces our negative self perception. On and on the wheel spins - if you allow it.

My reflection: Here is an example I’m sure many can relate to. Recently my eyes locked onto the reflection of my body and my gaze instantly went to where it is trained to go for an “evaluation” - to my bum. I realized, even before the criticism began it made me feel sad. I took a breath, moved my gaze to another part of my body and chose to appreciate it. I did not deny my initial feeling and then cultivated positive ones in its place. I walked away from the mirror carrying that with me and not shame.

Stop comparisons: Every comparison you make is an opinion against yourself. Comparisons reinforce the stories, that deepen the shadow beliefs, that taint how you see yourself. Life is not a competition, nor should you be at war within yourself. Comparisons take energy that could otherwise be invested into creating new ways of thinking and being that are healthy.

Recognize opportunities for self love vs humiliation: My hubby and I will soon travel to Costa Rica to relax in a cozy cabin by the beach. A younger me would be a harsh critic and view my body as far from perfect. A list of all my flaws would be compiled to catapult myself into a regime of “bettering myself.” I’m not buying into that today. I’m not dieting or even stepping on a scale. Today, I consciously chose to honor and celebrate my body just as it is.

Cultivate well-being a feeling good about myself: I walk daily and practice yoga four to five days a week. The type of yoga varies day to day based on how I feel and what my body needs. Some days I simply lay on the ground and breathe. I approach my practice as a meditation. I tune into the way muscles feels, the rhythm of my breath, to simply recognizing the here and now. I share this not to suggest you should do the same, but to encourage you to do what feels good to you. Our body provides guidance, we just have to be wiling to listen. 

I have learned the relationship I cultivate with myself can be beautiful and love filled. I do my best to fully see myself with love and compassion. I choose to accept what is naturally changing now and what will change over time. As the color and texture of my hair changes so are the color of my irises; the edges have begun to fade from amber-brown into a navy blue. My skin is softer and lines in my face are starting to appear. I love them all.

What I have begun to scrutinize is my clothing: if it doesn’t make me feel good about myself out it goes. I no longer wear form-fitting T-shirts, cropped tanks, low-waisted pants - this way I don’t ever have to worry about my tummy puffing out. Guess who is going to enjoy her meal without worrying about bloating? This girl! The length of my shorts are now 5” versus 3” so I’m never wondering, “Are my butt cheeks hanging out? Do they look good?” Nope, none of that. I’m now interested in clothing that makes me feel good versus clothing that I hope makes me look good. Cute, cozy and comfy is my new fashion motto.

I believe the key to eternal youth is loving thyself, being honest and kind to yourself. We have got to love ourself forward. The love will not suddenly bloom once you reach your idealized body goal; it has to be cultivated along the way. Self acceptance needs to be nurtured. 

If you don’t know “how to” approach yourself with love because it was not been modeled by your elders, turn to your friends and elders you do admire and ask. One of the best ways to break down taboos is to talk about them. I am so grateful to know many beautiful women that are older than I am. I witness them, look to them and learn from them. During the pandemic I saw many elder women allowing their natural grey-silver hair to grow out and they look stunning. The color of their eyes have become brighter because their entire complexion is as it is meant to be; naturally harmonized. It could be such a different world if people, especially women, all learned to turn inward instead of outward for validation.

I acknowledge I am not yet an elder and am merely in my mid-40’s, but I do hope that in sharing my truth it will inspire others to live more authentically and lovingly, with themselves. The entire make up of us - the Me. Myself. I - deserve to feel loved and accepted just as they are. We all do.

I haven’t decided what to do with my navel ring yet. Wear it as a pendant or toe ring perhaps? Or maybe just keep it in my jewelry box? But, I have decided that self love is a practice I can never do away with. 

Miraculous Healing

A miracle is defined as an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.

Here is one story about a miraculous healing.

A short time before my surgery (“Saying Goodbye”) my dog Oreo and I were walking in Elings Park. Not long into our stroll I began to feel a sharp pain in my lower right abdomen. As I kept walking the ache sharpened. The source could have been attributed to my right ovary in ovulation or a muscle spasm. Being atop the nature preserve, far from our car, I had no choice but to keep walking. As I moved along, slow and steady, the intensity of the discomfort increased with each step.

We came to the top west lookout and stopped. While Oreo sniffed about I took deep breaths to ease the ache and gazed upon a cascade of yellow flowers that bristled upon tall mustard greens stalks to distract myself. Bright and bobbing in the gentle breeze, I took my nose to the little petals and let them brush my nose. I closed my eyes and began to feel a luxurious heat radiate from the grove of flowers. I stood still, focused on my breath, and allowed the soothing warmth to flood my entire sense of being. The energy of the heat filled my entire body; it felt like I was facing into the sun.

When I opened my eyes, the discomfort that had been steadily growing was suddenly gone. I took a step back and thought,”That’s weird.” I figured that as soon as I resumed walking surely the pain would return. It never did.

Oreo and I frequented Elings Park most mornings that year. It was a wonderful way to get our first walk of the day in, surrounded by beautiful vistas of Santa Barbara. Each spring the vibrant wildflowers that speckled the trails inspired me to smile and say, “Hello!”to their bright little faces. Similar to greeting someone with a handshake, I always felt inspired (and still do) to sweep my palm near the delicate flora. Each time, I sensed a subtle vibration in the palm of my hand. I believe every plant and flower has a source of life, just like every tree does. Similar to feeling a human pulse, even the smallest vegetation exudes a vibration. 

Energy is universal, transcendent and follows intention. It is what powers prayers, fuels faith and is what one feels when they experience Love. That unconditional sense of love is healing energy. It is unseen and therefore mysterious, but has undeniable essence. Healing energy can be experienced in a something seemingly simple like a hug or can be unexplainable like a spiritual experience. One of the most beautiful and stunning “things” about healing energy is that it is infinite. There is never a maximum amount available to anyone, anything, anywhere in the world. It just is.

I believe that every time I said “hello” to the wildflowers, we shared in healing energy together. As I stood before the grove of yellow flowers that particular day I was in pain, the healing energy was generously shared with me because it sensed what was needed in my body. The giving was unconditional and I will be ever grateful.

Healing practices were discounted for centuries. Many people were lured to distrust what could not be rationalized and seen, and over time, logic discredited intuition and that deep felt sense. Only in recent decades has it become much more openly discussed, experienced and taught. Is it magical? Is it a miracle? Whatever one wants to call it, it generally cannot be logically explained but felt. 

I believe every single person has the ability to connect to the universal healing energy. We all are a part of the energy, just in being alive. There is a life force that powers the entire world. We humans need to remember that we are born out of this Earth too, not just “born upon it.”

If your next question is “how” to connect to the healing energy, you first need to step out of the conditioned mindset that everything needs to make rational sense. Then, go partake in something that is a bit outside of your comfort zone physically. Why? Because when your body experiences new ways of moving, it stimulates your brain to cultivate new pathways. This will enable you to get out of your head and support the intention to reconnect you to your body and personal Sense of Self. For example, perhaps it is an improvisation class for someone trained in martial arts, or an art class for someone’s job that involves a lot data input. Approach it like you’ve invited yourself to a new hiking trail; explore and experience yourself in a new setting. Lastly, as you take in this new experience try to really be present, moment to moment, and you will likely began to feel Love or gratitude; both are gateways into the healing energy that is within and available to us all.

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Lay It All Down

The first day I was able to successfully get myself to the ground after my hysterectomy was so amazing to me, I cried.

Most of us get to know our bodies from the sense of the ground when we learn to crawl and walk. Many of us have forgotten what it was like as an infant to lay on the ground, be and breath and what the journey was like when we explored movement. As we bobbed and weaved about, the Earth’s definition showed us and told us where we were. Fast forward to ourselves today, in a culture consumed with striving forward and conquering the space around us, we tend to be unaware of the Earth’s sensation under of our feet. 

As we bound and stride about as adults, many of us fail to recognize the sacredness that is the Earth, a recognition that was inherent within all of us. The modern day human has created so many structures that separate us from the feeling of the earth we forget we share molecules with the Earth, that we are made to breathe with the Earth.

Years ago, as I was just scratching the surface of learning about Eastern Medicine, I read about an Ayurvedic practice that recommended people go outside, at least once a day, and stand on grass with bare feet. It suggested “Let your feet sink in, curl your toes and palpate the soles of your feet upon the turf.” I was perplexed, “What? Why?” It was hard to believe this was a recommended health practice! It seemed so silly, because it was so…simple. It’s the simplicity that now makes sense; many people are disconnected from the practice of rooting. 

Rooting can be defined as a “condition of being settled and of belonging; to become firmly established or settled; a primary source; an origin.” Some people call this conscious practice Earthing: grounding your energy. In the hustle and bustle of every day, it is important for us to ground our awareness. I now value the practice of rooting invaluable and essential for my vitality.

My dog Oreo models rooting beautifully. She loves to lay in dirt and turn her black coat to brown. That’s right, just dirt. There could be green grass all around her and she’ll opt for the barren land and lay there for hours. I believe she knows she’s absorbing ions and healing minerals from the ground. She radiates joy every time with an enormous smile. She then comes in the house and shakes herself off, dusting dirt into the rug or couch, but I know she’s happy.

I believe our sense of contact to the floor is one of the elements that makes the practice of yoga so healing. The body movements originate on the ground to prepare practitioners for seated meditation, and eventually, laying down for the final resting pose: Corpse Pose (Savasana). A yoga practice can take you through various stages of physical awareness: standing, sitting and laying down. When we lay down, we are back to where we began. Those ancient Yogis were on to something. Even if a practitioner needs to hold their practice on a chair, they can still benefit from experiencing their connection to the ground.

The intention of the final resting pose (Corpse Pose) is to release awareness of our physical body and journey inward. Continually practicing cultivating our inner-awareness can prepare us for our final phase of life: death. Just like the name of the pose suggests, the body lays still, at ease, with the breath so soft that to an observer it can appear as though the yogi is asleep or even dead-like. As I yoga teacher, I have had the privilege of observing many practitioners move into that internal sacred space and see a sense of peace sweep across their faces. We all have the ability to “go there”.

The firm floor beneath one’s body can cultivate a sense of equilibrium energetically and emotionally because it calms the nervous system. As one lays on the ground, the body naturally absorbs the Earth’s ions and the innate awareness of our form on the ground can help us feel more connected in the present. This sense of calm presence can be healing, especially when someone is processing exhaustion, grief or even trauma.

While some people consider it a sign of weakness to come to the ground, kneel or lay down, I believe it is indicative of one’s courage; it takes a brave heart to surrender.  When we give ourself the space to let go, is when we create the capacity to cultivate compassion. Without compassion, individuals cannot continue to go on as they are. Compassion, self love, can renew, recalibrate and rejuvenate us. The act of letting go enables our energy to flow freely and our mind to unwind.

I invite you to return to your roots and lay it all down.

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Thank you for reading this! One of my specialties and passions is providing Adaptive Yoga; a personalized practice, cultivated from the heart, to meet you where you are. Please contact me directly with any questions you may have about beginning an Adaptive Yoga practice.

Medicine Walks

I love taking myself to my favorite local beach for a walk. I just walk and walk. My feet absorb the sand and cold ocean water while the rest of me simply moves about. There is no intention to go a certain distance or duration; just….to walk. I get to be with myself.

I have come to call these beach walks my medicine walks. These simple steps in the sand are healing for me. This a time in which I allow myself to be just as I am in the present. I allow myself to meander about without a particular direction or be called to something out of sheer curiosity. My body is given the freedom to find itself and experience its surroundings, while my self awareness is invited to expand and embrace all of me.

I walk until I feel called to turn around. Sometimes I see friends and neighbors and share a few friendly chats and meet new dogs. Most times, I get to be alone, really alone, and those durations are so sacred. On a recent walk, perched upon a large, smooth rock, I sat and gazed out into the vast distance at the Channel Islands. In recollection, it seemed I was not looking at anything in particular. I invited myself to be and stay in each present moment and that left me with out a particular external experience to describe, because the depth of my internal experience was so rich.

Bringing attention to the Self is being with one’s deeper being and when one is truly in the Now, there are now words for it. Richard Ross, MD and author of “The Mandala of Being” says that when “we exercise the power of our awareness without any certainty about the outcome…we let ourselves be led deeper into life by bring present with what is, rather than by trying to control and direct ourselves and our lives.”

A deep sense of knowingness and love washed over me like a soft wave as I sat there. I remembered how important it was to lend nurturing and healing to my body, mind and soul, always. Not just when I was in need; but always. The pause in my walk, to just sit and be, was a crucial element. It is in moments of “simple existence” when we can hear ourselves - our inner most selves, speak. Those moments are sacred because our essential self is wise, compassionate and loving.

The importance of all this tends to get lost in all of our doing. Our society does not invite us to pause and be still. It can feel like we need to fight for it, ironically. Sometimes, we do need to carve out the time and space for ourself; Conscious being and connecting in stillness, silence and softness - they are essential for us. Soul medicine can be different for everyone. Whether yours is singing, sitting in quiet, or dancing like no one is watching, what ever your need is, is fundamental for your vitality, sanity and full sense of Being You.

Even I need the reminder to Pause, Breathe, Be. Perhaps we can help one another remember? Rather than ask a friend what they’re going to do next, or if they’ve finally figured out what the “perfect” solution is, perhaps our role - our responsibility as a loved one - is to ask, “When was the last time you took a time out to be with Yourself?”

Talk To the Trees!

All over the world, trees are revered by many. They are considered to be the Earth’s giants and in some cultures, ancient spirits or mystic entities. Whether you practice putting up a Christmas Tree each holiday season, climbed, crawled or swayed on a swing attached to one, you too have had your own personal interaction with a tree, somewhere and sometime in your life. With just one touch of a hand, one can grasp the immenseness and know there is a universal life force that exists within in it, just as within ourselves. 

When amidst a forest, people tend to find themselves in awe and experience a sense of serenity. Whether it be the size of a tremendous tree trunk, or the extending energy in branches, softness in the tender leaves visible to the eyes or underfoot, people can experience tranquility. A woodland can be a place to get lost or rediscover oneself. I’ve walked amongst giants and experienced a connection with spirit and sat cradled in the trunk of a tree and felt mothered. Trees can prove that the existence of life is more than we think or believe it to be.

People reference a tree and forests quite often as self reflections and life lessons. A forest can be likened to a family, branches to one’s growth and the trunk and roots to one’s identification of Self. Yogi Bears often practice Tree Pose (Vrikshasana) because it encourages concentration and focus of the mind to be “in the Now” and is believed to be indicative of one’s emotional and energetic disposition. The busier the mind and more emotionally unbalanced; the harder it is to sustain the pose. Trees have become quite the talk of the town! Ecologists like Suzanne Simard have been changing the way people think of trees by sharing her life story and scientific discoveries. Simard’s TedTalk: “How Trees Talk To Each Other” and her recent documentary “Intelligent Trees” has really enhanced society’s awareness that trees are much more than meets the eye; they are intelligent beings that flourish in community. Just like people.

We can a learn a great deal from a single tree. Not just in life, but also in death. When a tree dies, it can take on a new form of life. In Northern California in Eureka, an area established during logging days, many abandoned tree trunk bases today are generating new branches. Trees can take on new forms like when severed trunk becomes a bridge for people to cross or a pedestal to sit upon. A dead tree can also inspire new life; the forest or jungle will use the decomposing material to generate new life around it.

Trees hold life, wisdom and even magic. Ever just sat and gazed at one?

If you have ever looked upon a tree long enough then you have come to recognize that its visual beauty is not due to perfection or symmetry. No tree is perfectly symmetrical or without embellishments. This is what makes a tree unique and beautiful; its asymmetry and wounds. A tree will usually find a way to heal itself either by scarring over a wound or creating a “mound” to protect itself. Sort of like people. If you can consider a tree to be beautiful, in all its imperfections and recognize the wisdom it has because of the life it has lived, can you consider yourself beautiful - with all your imperfections and recognize the wisdom in your life experiences?

I encourage you to sit with one. Just sit and listen with your heart and your intuition. Take the time for yourself to be in nature and to perhaps feel one with nature. If your immediate response is a list of reasons why you do not have the time, then my friend, this is exactly why you need to go talk with a tree. Trust me.