Scar tissue can come in many forms; physical, emotional, mental. It is generated in an effort to protect us by encapsulating the wound, foreign element or trauma so as to make us feel safe and whole. Our body, just like our mind, will remember the threat, even if there is no longer one. My own body remembered and it told me.
This past late Spring, while receiving reiki from my dear friend (fondly called Flower Child), I felt called to tune into my body and have a conversation. Calendar-wise, it was a few weeks shy of having been a year since my surgery. The year before in June of 2021, I had a hysterectomy due to fibroids that had grown so large it was equivalent to being five months pregnant. There I was laying on the massage table, receiving reiki, close to the anniversary date and my body remembered. It was tense, locked in an automatic response mode. I rested my hands on my incision and silently asked, “What is wrong?”
I heard, “We are afraid we will be cut again. Last year you had us cut; the skin, layers of muscles and parts were taken away. We remember. So, we are afraid.” Even though I had communicated with my body prior to the surgery and shared the intention of it, I had neglected to let it know there would be no other procedure following. It didn’t get the memo. So, with love, I let my body know I understood its fear and sent love and appreciation to my abdomen. I then carefully explained the surgery had served its purpose and there would not be another procedure. We were all safe.” My abdomen softened, like a stick of butter.
My healing happened in stages. There were general one the doctors advised me of and there were my own distinct phases based on my body’s unique story. Despite what I might have expected or wanted of myself, my body had it own perception and timeline. Period.
I have been as mindful as I can be when it comes to tending to my physical and emotional healing. When it comes to my scar tissue, I continue to be aware of sensations in my abdomen. I am mindful to consistently stretch and release every muscle group interconnected with my pelvic floor to prevent the scar tissue from thickening. I have found stretches that allow my abdominal massages to go deep, but gently.
I now must pay attention to how long I have been sitting because if I sit for too long, my left psoas major will contract and when it does it can be uncomfortable or even painful to walk. The incision itself can still be very tender. If I am not careful, just the sheer graze of an elastic waistband will feel like shards of fire glass. All this may be a process I have to continue throughout my life, but it is a conversation I am willing to hold.
Our cultural mindset gears us to believe and behave that once a procedure is complete and the “major” healing is done - the patient is good and done to move on. But, the reality is that the body’s takes much longer than what doctors tell us, based on what they actually know. After any procedure, the body will develop scar tissue and it needs to be managed mindfully and consistently to avoid creating a domino affect throughout your body. For me, about seven to eight months after the surgery, I could feel that it was ok to deepen my stretches and move in familiar ways again.
Every body is different. Every person will have their own timeline to healing and each will have a unique set of needs in which to heal. Healing is not a race - it is a sense of being. To truly heal we have to be fully present and honest with our self to what is. It means acknowledging our current limitations and not being afraid to ask for support. It may mean relearning or unlearning something. Ultimately, it is about self acceptance: meeting yourself as you are. Not, where you think you should be but where you are right now.
Sometimes the process of healing can be emotionally challenging. We can feel vulnerable and insecure, thus stripped and raw. Without the body we are used to we can feel exposed. Our behaviors must adapt in order to survive and those changes can create a sense of being stripped. But, that stripping can create a sense of softness too. We can find ourselves deeply moved by another’s action in helping us, or the subtle power in a simple moment, or even just breathing. When we can be genuinely present with ourself throughout the process, it enriches the moments of celebration.
Time and time again, I am able to celebrate small activities that I used to know and do so well. It has been incredibly humbling and I appreciate the honesty in the relationship I have with my body. This past summer I stepped into the ocean and felt a freedom that I had not in a long while; I felt free in my body. I knew it was healed because it told me.
As for my emotional scar tissue, sometimes it still gets scratched. I did a lot of emotional healing leading up to the surgery, but it does not mean there is still not more lurking. My awareness of what is of myself enables me to be present and compassionate. It’s sort of like catching a lizard by its tail. I take it in, understand it, find appreciation for what it has shown me, place it down and move on.
The intelligence of the human body is a universe unto itself. Despite our technological advances, we are still exploring and expanding our understanding of the human form. But, the greatest exploration is the one we can allow for ourselves is of ourselves. There is so much more to us than skin and bone; we have heart, soul, energy. Let your scar tissue serve you by showing you what needs to be healed. Listen to it wholeheartedly and respond wisely.
As you heal, try to respect your body’s timeline because it (the body) is a divine creation that is still showing us how to be.
If you are interested in my previous entires about my journey of healing with and from my fibroids, I invite you to read: “Ohhh U-terus!”, “Fred, Ethel & My Womb” and “Saying Goodbye”.