Not long ago, during a chat with my uncle, I was asked if I had communicated with a particular cousin.
“No,” I replied.
He blew out a soft sigh and said, “Wow, you can really hold a grudge.”
“I’m not holding a grudge, Tio, I am merely keeping a healthy boundary for myself.”
UC Berkeley defines a personal boundary as “limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.” (“What Are Personal Boundaries?”)
Every family has its own sense of moral and ethical codes that are passed down, generation to generation. In her book, “Anatomy of the Spirit,“ Caroline Myss calls this “tribal power.” It consists of both positive and negative beliefs, behaviors and group experiences. It is considered “law of the land;” loyalists do not roam beyond nor define their own horizons.
As family can be our first sense of belonging, we are generally strongly loyal to our familia. Loyalty is instinctive because evolutionary wise it increases our chance of survival. To go against this primal instinct can create immense fear, especially if one’s identity is strongly connected to their tribe. A person can feel like they are disrobing long worn roles and as result they may feel exposed and vulnerable. But, withdrawing from a family structure may be essential, because a toxic tribal power can negatively affect one’s individual health. The more one clings to a negative collective culture, the more susceptible they become to dis-ease. The stress will take a toll on one’s mind, heart and soul.
Setting boundaries takes a brave heart because it takes courage to place your needs first. Family will likely criticize you as being selfish, the boundary received as a betrayal and or rejection. This reaction is generally indicative of a narcissistic mentality but can become an opportunity of choice; either continue to be part of the cycle or get off the carousel.
Another trait of human nature is to cultivate stories wherein we place ourselves as the “good one” and they as the “bad one”. The narration changes depending on who is telling the tale and whom is listening. We truly have no control over how the story is spun by others. Trying to overturn their narration, not matter how false it may be, is like trying to herd a bunch of cats: you just can’t and you’re foolish to believe you ever will be able to. So…you let go.
When I chose to stop playing my part in the relationship with my cousin, no doubt many stories were construed about me. Any or all of those fables are out of my control. I knew and understood that as exited stage left. If I had not departed when I did, I would have drowned in the cyclical pattern of a toxic relationship what was never going to change. What inspired my decision?
My mother’s death. It was a profound life changing experience. During this time I witnessed people showing up as their best or worst self. It was amazing to me when people dismissed a dying woman’s wishes because their personal agenda mattered more. The high sense of entitlement nearly broke my soul. Everything I witnessed and experienced was like pandora’s box being blown wide open: it forced me to reevaluate all aspects of myself and my life. I knew that love was all that mattered and to live a life not filled with it could only leave room for non-loving people.
Rather than ravage a war against them, I instead took responsibility for cultivating a life that came from my truth. I chose love for myself: mentally, psychically and spiritually. It required an honest look within and I had to become accountable for everything that aligned with my heart and what did not. In order to focus my energy into evolving, I needed to pull back all my outgoing energy that went into excessive toxic relationships, because the only ones it served, was them.
Letting go of virulent people has been essential to my vitality. I am sure some people would say, “But, if you only understood them.” I do understand them. I know why they act and behave as they do. I suspect my compassion was received as a red carpet. This cousin is immensely sad, angry and quite possibly wounded beyond repair; because they believe this is the one story that exists for them. Compassion does not mean we have to compromise ourself: it simply can be feeling sympathy. That can be enough and more than often than we realize, it is all that is really needed from us.
It has never been my intention to change them. I know I cannot. But, I did have the power to change my beliefs, behaviors and body of life and it was my responsibility to do so. They say we choose the family we are born into, for they provide a great many lessons. Perhaps the dissonance I experienced awakened in me an awareness of how I hope to never treat people and how I want to be in the world: honest, authentic, understanding, compassionate and…. to draw the line when I need to.
I am grateful for the few cousins I remain in contact with. The connections are honest and easeful. I have been fortunate to cultivate a broader sense of family within my current community and it is a beautiful blend of family and friends. I can honestly say that by letting go of negative family members, I am much happier for it. I have the energy and the room to be present in my life, both in heart and mind. As energy always finds a balance in life, I do have a deeper appreciation for the heartfelt connections that I am blessed with.
May you find your happy place and may it be complete with honesty, compassion and self love. For love of the self is truly when the healing begins and new chapters can form in your life story.
“Compassionate people ask for what they need.
They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it.
They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”
~ Brene’ Brown