Step by step, my feet fall upon the cushy sand and I reminded of where I am in the moment.
My bearings are kept with the ocean on the right, cliffs on the left. A gentle breeze caresses my cheeks, the sun softly skims my skin. Words flow in between a beautiful friend and I and together they create a harmonious melody. Some of the notes are low, others high. Tones range from an upbeat excitement to slow and thoughtful, sometimes even sadness. The reflections soar like streams of silk dancing upon the music of our words. The considerate expressions and compassionate listening creates a sacred balance. I feel as though all the words I have spoken have cleared my mind and body, creating a sense of energetic and spiritual clarity. This is a Soul Sister walk ’n talk.
Women heal by vocalizing, through talking out our experiences and feelings. When you move while talking, pent up emotions are exercised out. Though powerful it is relatively simple: we walk and talk. The combination can clear mental, emotional and energetic pathways. In this dynamic, women can offer one another the ability to feel seen and heard. This, in itself, can help mend deep wounds because one of the greatest ways to disempower someone is to minimize the ability for them to feel seen and heard.
In Nischala Joy Devi’s book, “The Secret Power of Yoga”, she writes about how the root of the term “gossiping” came from “God’s parenting”. In our ancestral villages, women gathered and shared information to help spread knowledge as a way to keep all villagers safe. This ability to gather and share held an innate power that was successfully broken down and demeaned over time, through various patriarchal systems. In our culture today, women are starting to experience and understand how precious and powerful it is when women harmonize. Our gatherings enable expressions and our listening empowers every member in the circle.
The power of communication must be modeled and shared. Otherwise the language dies and people suffer. Similar to how stories or trade skills get handed down generation to generation; they need to be demonstrated in order for the youth to learn and pass it on. The ability to have conscious conversations was not modeled in my childhood home. I learned it over time and through key friendships.
IN THE PAST
I met my childhood bestie the first week in Kindergarten. I liked her right away; she had a bright, confident smile and something about her radiated “cool and down to earth.”
I asked, “Wanna go play?”
She said, “Sure!”
We were best friends from that day until our first year in high school. Our friendship combusted midway through freshman year because I was wrestling with a severe depression and unbeknownst to me, she had all sorts of struggles going on too. Despite the years we had known each other, we didn’t share what transpired in each of our lives. Instead, we suppressed our strains. So, one day we had the argument that was the end of everything. We stormed off our separate ways and didn’t speak again until we were in our twenties. I was so shut down I didn’t even know it was one of the saddest moments in my life. My heart had been closed off from not sharing my truth due to a deep sense of shame. All too often silence and shame support systemic stigmas.
Fortunately my involvement in various school organizations did not leave me bereft of friendship throughout high school, but I didn’t meet that next special friend until my early twenties. It was during a very poor attempt at match-making by a friend to connect me with one of his friends. I instead connected with Daphne.
She later called, “Want to hang out sometime?”
I was amazed! I didn’t know grown-ups still asked if you wanted to be friends. “Heck yeah!”
As an adult, the leap of friendship-faith is the same, just worded differently, “Would you like to get together for coffee?” “Do you enjoy wine tasting?”
Through my friendship with Daphne, I learned how to have conscious conversations; sharing without censorship and with great compassion. Even at such a young age, we were able to hold space for one another - to be heard and seen, without judgement, criticism or expectation. As I continue on my life journey, I now know how rare this is. Daphne and I are still friends and our closeness has become a cornerstone of the foundation in how I cultivate connections today.
THROUGH MY FRIENDSHIPS
Every time we extend our hand in friendship, we extend a bit of our heart. We must each be brave to bare our truth and compassionate to not judge. We also need to take ownership of our feelings and speak up when needed to express when our feelings are hurt, when we’re confused or even to just to set boundaries. We are not responsible for emotionally managing another; it’s up to us to take care of ourselves - Soul Sisters just offer presence and support.
The crux of our ability to show up stems from how we show up and treat ourself. No one is born knowing how to love themself. Self compassion, self reflection and self love are qualities we must each learn and practice. Sisterhood can provide that space because we can all learn from and with each other. We are models for everyone one of our friends and every woman, whether we know it or not.
I have also learned the more you know yourself, the more attuned you are as to who is meant to be your friend. There are friendships that start with a sizzle and then quickly fizzle. That’s part of life; not every friendship is a perennial. Sometimes courting a friendship is like dating; you’re seeing and feeling if this friendship is meant to be or not to be. We can still learn something about ourself.
Community and individuality can co-exist when each friend remains consciously aware of the time and emotional space they take up. This mindfulness prevents the exchange from veering off and becoming one-sided. If there is not equanimity, the one who is able to share the least will end up feeling drained and eventually exhausted. We’ve all had the experience with the friend who always has something dramatic going on, always talks about themself and rarely ever asks how you are doing. Eventually, the friendship begins to feel more like an obligation.
THESE DAYS
My kindred spirit from grade school and I reconnect every few years. In our last conversation, I thanked her for being my childhood friend and what a gift it was even to this day. We were able to talk about the aftermath of our friendship and how each of our parents shamed us for not being able to work it out. My mother made it clear how very disappointed she was that I “gave up” on my friendship; that I should have been willing to work it out.
Here’s the kicker; my mother shamed me for something that was not modeled in my household. My parents would have spats and typically one of them would shut down and the other would storm off. That scenario sounds very familiar, doesn’t it? I simply did not know how to have constructive-work-it-out-conversations. I instead knew criticism, blame and accusations rather than reflection, accountability and articulation. I knew how not to say anything until…I blew up. For my friend, she said her household was similar; they didn’t talk about their feelings.
My parents reward system of approval or disapproval resulted in me yearning to be heard and seen. I replicated many family agitations with my grade school friends through power plays and exercising my own approval or disapproval. My subconscious wanted to heal my heart by repeating what it saw, heard, and felt. Because my initial perception of friendship was based on dynamics with my mother I was competitive, condescending and critical. I left those early friendships in the gutter because I didn’t know how to show up for myself.
This particular hindsight brings a beautiful realization: we are innately able to learn from others.
EVER EVOLVING
The way I tend to my friendships has evolved over time. In my twenties, connections were largely centered around drinking, dancing and hoping to land a date with a dude. In my thirties, it was less about dancing and dudes and became more about dinner dates and going to bars. Once I was married, it ceased being about guys and conversations were more or less sprinkled into an activity or an outing such as dinner or shopping.
In my mid-forties, the pandemic shifted all of that and boy has it been a real blessing. When eateries and coffee houses had to close their doors, sister time was forced to happen outdoors. The pandemic essentially simplified everything: go out doors and….talk! So, whether there was a coffee in hand or not, conversations with my sisters became about just being together; deepening our one-on-one connection. It was also the beginning of a weekly Zoom chat with four amazing women that we call “Coffee Talk.” The insight, compassion and honesty of this group has been a real game changer. We’re able to be very real and raw with one another.
In my array of friendships, I am “in the middle” age wise and almost quite literally being forty six years old. I have friends in their late twenties all the way to their 80’s. No matter the “order”, insight can be offered in either direction. There is not a sense of entitlement of authority from the elders, nor does there seem to be sense of inferiority by the Youngers. I appreciate what I have and can learn from my older sisters and this in turn makes me realize the value of what I can pass onto another sister. Soul Sisterhood honors and celebrates who we each are not what “we” want you to be. I am lucky to know the amazing women I call soul sisters. I truly consider each of them to be Superheroes, because of what they bring into the world with their Truth, Heart and Soul.
My hope for all women is that everyone finds their circle, village or tribe where you can all talk and share your truth. May you each support one another and remember to stay true to yourself: don’t conform to belong. As long as we are willing to own our lessons; we are worthy and can all learn from each other. May we all continue to be life students and continue to grow and evolve in loving ourselves and our sisters.
To my soul sisters of yesterday, today and tomorrow
May you continue to experience the joy and song
Of dancing to the rhythm of your heart’s drum
Through your journey in life
May you remember that what you do and say matters;
That every genuine No and Yes
Will give empower all in the Universe
May you remain bright, bold and strong
And know that your impact will live ever on.
Whether it be with a few or many
May your love, your heart and your soul prevail on.