Saying Goodbye

ONCE UPON A TIME….

Decades ago, I was trapped in the web of a dysfunctional relationship with my ex-partner. I was ensconced in the cacophony of winning people’s approval so I fed the appearance of “all was well.” Staying in that relationship was my secret shame. I stayed because of self doubt and fear. I thought I was incapable of leaving and was scared of what people would think. There was shaming upon shaming: no one will understand, others have it worse than I do, I should have known better, I should do better…The daily narrative created a sense of feeling alone and isolated. 

After seven years, I finally did leave him. I had to. I had minimized myself to such a degree, there was nothing left to compress. I had get out or I would extinguish the last light left in me. Even today looking back at this chapter of my life, I feel a sense of shame. Brene’ Brown calls it meta-shame: shame upon shame, shame for feeling ashamed. It’s a tightly woven web that can strangle one’s mind and soul.

Soon after that chapter did close, began the story of my uterine fibroids. Parasitic in nature, the tale of my fibroids would become larger in size and significance. I’ve shared about this in previous blogs “Ohhh U-terus!” And “Fred, Ethel & My Womb.”

Fast forward to February 2021: In meditation, during yet another heavy moon cycle, I took an honest look at the dark undercurrent of all my efforts to heal myself from my fibroids: the fear of surgery. Despite the deep spiritual, mental and emotional healing I had experienced, the fibroids still proliferated. In that moment, connected with my body, I saw surgery as a bridge to freedom. 

Freedom from intense, heavy periods that had become long in duration. On average, I would bleed between eight to ten days. That is roughly a third of the year. I would seclude myself during heavy-flow days, with a towel between me and my seat at all times, in case I had a bleed-through. Like a little kid shuffling about the house, with her security blanket, I had to have a buffer with me at all times. A break through could happen in an instant. The increase of intensity and duration of my periods was so gradual, that my adaptations seemed minor, but as time went on everything took its toll. My stamina and strength had to be resurrected after each cycle. 


I’D LIKE A HYSTERECTOMY, PLEASE

I announced my decision to my doctor during my annual wellness exam in May 2021. She agreed it was a great decision. That exam and pelvic ultra sound confirmed my uterus was so enlarged, due to the fibroid clusters, it was equivalent of being five months pregnant. She asked me how soon I wanted to schedule the surgery.

I scheduled it for June 22, 2021. I had what is called a hysterectomy with bilateral salpingectomy: removal of the uterus, fallopian tubes and cervix and retained both my ovaries. Sort of sounds like something from a Dr. Seuss book.


MY BODY’S WISDOM

When I told my body about the upcoming surgery, it said, “Thank goodness! We’ve tried to be hospitable to the fibroids, but we are so tired of these motherfu*kers! It’s time for them to go.” My body then showed me all the ways it had been affected by the fibroids. My digestive, endocrine and immune systems had all been strained. The fibroids received their own blood supply and the sheer size of them pushed my intestines out of the way. If I did not have the surgery, the fibroids would eventually tax my kidneys.

My body then showed me how, over time, the further I deepened my healing, the more enriching the environment of my body became. I was not doing anything wrong, I was in fact doing everything right. The fibroids just happened to benefit.

In every communication I have had with my body, there has been a deep sense of love and appreciation exchanged. Never has my body scorned me or scream out in rage. The body is such a loyal companion. It will do everything it can to support us until it can’t fight the fight any longer. Symptoms are signals, just like our emotions are our signposts. 


GETTING TO THE ROOT CAUSE

All along, I had wondered “What had I done wrong to cause the fibroids?”

The answer: I tried to survive.

My body said the secretion of stress hormones began during the past relationship. Eventually, it created a microscopic mass that adhered to the posterior wall of my womb. The uterus, in its monthly swell of reproductive fluids and nutrients, provided the perfect space and sustenance. How smart was that initial cluster of fibroids that it used my uterus to sustain itself and hide behind? Truly parasitic. After the past relationship dissolved, there were continual upheavals in life to navigate: the continuing contentious relationship with my mother, my mother’s depression, my own depression, financial struggles, my mother’s lung cancer and her quickened death, my father falling ill….a lot happened. When I look back, I realize I had been in a state of survival for nearly a dozen years. 

Many professionals consider feeling alone and isolated to be a major trauma in itself. Feeling alone is up there with being threatened by death and feeling helpless. When a person experiences trauma - no matter what type - the body responds by secreting stress hormones. These are often blamed for subsequent illness and disease. Feeling alone and feeling like life threw my snow globe upside down…created dis-ease. And shame was the glue that held it all together.


CREATING HEALING SPACE

In the weeks leading up to the surgery, I approached life as though I was entering a healing retreat. It was essential to create a sense of space and time to rest and restore. It was more than a physical healing, it was also spiritual and emotional. So, I dove in and deepened my meditations and personal healing sessions, which manifested divine and destined experiences. The emotional depth of healing has been powerful. Some days I felt raw and tender, others lighter and liberated, and some days balanced and…ready.

I made sure my offerings were tended to so the only responsibility I would have as I recovered was Me. I let close friends and family know about the upcoming procedure and set clear boundaries on what I needed and did not need. I made a conscious effort to let my incredibly supportive husband know what I would need. Otherwise, that would have been unkind to him and of disservice to myself; no guessing games or riddles to figure out.

As an energy healer, I strongly believe in the power of receiving healing energy before any medical procedure. It prepares the various layers (physical, emotional, mental, energetic and spiritual) and enables the body to heal quicker. So, I scheduled and received three reiki sessions before the surgery. Those experiences in themselves were beautiful and profound.

A key element was a guided meditation provided by one of my mentors. I was able to envision everything on the day of surgery, from the moment I entered the hospital, to when I got to my hospital room, and every person that tended to me. I saw a golden light surround me and the mastery and wisdom of my doctor and medical staff. This vision created a great sense of peace that I carried with me throughout the entire experience.


SPIRITUAL SURPRISES

SO much about this experience has been magical. From the reiki sessions, meditations, to the medical masters, to an amazing piece of art my dear friend made me - SO much was serendipitous. I may write a memoire about it because there is so much to share!

I will share one surprising element that has helped me heal. My sister sent me a pink, stuffed, fuzzy - get ready - uterus, complete with fallopian tubes and ovaries. The manufacture calls it Ivy. The body (the womb) of Ivy is almost shaped like a heart and has a cute face. When I first pulled Ivy out of the box I couldn’t decide if she was horrific or terrific. I laughed and cried. Then, laughed and cried some more. (Which was tricky because my abdomen was so tender.)

Our dog Oreo helped me decided Ivy was terrific. Perhaps because it was a “new toy” or maybe, just maybe, she sensed its significance, Oreo would use Ivy as a small pillow to rest her large head. One day, Oreo nestled in for her afternoon nap, picked up Ivy, and put it between her head and inside of my knee. Her movement was so kind and gentle and the action so surprising and adorable, I cried. 

OREO & IVY.jpg


ALLOWING THE GRIEF TO FLOW

Grief is an important, essential human emotion and process. Grieving enables us to have reverence, compassion and honor. In reverence we can reflect, learn, evolve. Humans are fundamentally emotional beings. This is why ancient practices of Eastern medicine diagnosed through emotions. We need to feel in order to fully Be. While modern medicine’s procedures and surgeries are marvelous, they cannot miraculously heal one’s feelings. We, the individual, have to mindfully curate that process for ourself, otherwise society can easily sweep one’s emotions under the rug. Procedure complete, stitches out, you’re done. Not so. The emotional healing will still need to take place.

Years before, my therapist said, “My dear, not being able to bare a baby is indeed something you deserve to mourn. For you, it is a loss and the loss is just as severe as your mother dying. You need to grieve this part of and for yourself.” I remember that moment so clearly because as she said it, time stopped. As I looked into her eyes, heard her words, I began to understand the importance of grief and how essential it was to grieve in order to heal.

Grief is cyclical and can come up in all sorts of ways. Oreo’s using Ivy as a pillow surfaced my grief. Me watching a movie where a toddler called her adoptive mother “Mama” brought up grief. After I finished watching that movie, I went for a walk and was the crazy crying lady and I was ok with that because I was allowing myself to process my grief.

We need to be open to receiving and experiencing it. Otherwise, it’s like denying an inherent part of yourself comfort and compassion. Would you turn away a small child who is seeking to be held? Why do that to yourself as an adult? Be kind, be patient, be present.


MY DESTINED PATH

I really understand how imperative it is for grief to have its space. Whether one has undergone a full or partial hysterectomy, a miscarriage, a mastectomy, there is a sense of loss…a deep and genuine reason to mourn, to grieve. Sometimes, the very thing that could be healing is having the time and space to acknowledge and be with it.

As I write this, I celebrate the two month anniversary of my surgery - to the date. While I am physically healing beautifully, I am aware that the emotional healing will always need its space and time. I know I need to be and stay mindful of when that is. 

Despite each bout of grief, I know this experience has not happened to me - it has happened for me. I know what it is like to give up a physical part of yourself. I know how much of a loss that can feel like. But, I am still whole and feel more so now than ever before because I have been present with my grief. There is nothing to be fixed, because I am not broken or flawed. Grief is not weakness or failure, it is instead grandeur; an opportunity to be exalted in some way if you allow yourself to pass through it, to the other side, into the light.

Because I know, because I understand how important is to honor the space and time needed to process our emotions, I will hold that space for you if you need it, with every part of my heart.


TALK THE WALK

One of the ways women heal is through words: written or spoken. It is so important for any one who has experienced a sense of loss to connect with people who will understand. Talk about it. I was very fortunate to connect to two women, who happened to be my age and both had a hysterectomy because of uterine fibroids. There was something so reassuring about hearing and knowing I wasn’t alone, something so beautiful and profound in hearing about their healing journey. We even were able to laugh about “the damn towel.” The “Me too” that can be shared, no matter what the story is, is invaluable. In particular, women need to gather together, because together we are stronger and unstoppable. 


KNOW THIS

No matter what your story is, know you are not alone. Do not let shame be a shield. Be kind to yourself and reach out for support. Know that you are not broken nor are you flawed, even if you feel like it. You deserve the space to be and breathe as your heart and soul needs you to. Know that even if you cannot heal the issue - you can heal through it.