Wrapped in the darkness of night, heavy droplets of rain showered the landscape. As I raised my arms overhead, I sensed the weight of my strong male form sink with every step into the muddy ground. Within each hand was a small sword and together they formed a cross to block the incoming weapon that was directed at my head. I could feel my body counter, as I pushed forward with all my strength.
Suddenly, like a surround 3D animation moment, everything froze. I was able see everything about myself. My build, height complexion, even the look of sheer determination upon my face, conviction in my eyes.
I was a male Asian warrior. My skin was olive with fine, shoulder length, black hair and dark eyes. Dressed in black, I could see that my hair was coming loose from its low-set ponytail.
Then, all at the once, the movement quickly resumed. I could feel and see how I was able to swiftly maneuver with such dexterity and grace. I fought hard in that battle. My entire life had been in preparation for it. I know I died and with me a great generation of soldiers did too. It was considered a great honor to fight for our kingdom.
As though a movie projector turned off, I was instantly back in my yoga class still holding my asana, stunned and in tears.
WHAT IS A PAST LIFE?
A past life can be defined as a previously lived life in a different body according to theories of reincarnation. Reincarnation is the belief that a soul can be reborn into a new body. The major religions that hold a belief in reincarnation are Asian religions, especially Hinduism, Jainism, Buddhism, and Sikhism, all of which arose in India.
WHY DO WE REINCARNATE?
I believe we reincarnate to learn so we can grow and evolve our higher consciousness. We are spiritual beings first who become human in order to experience life. We choose to experience and explore the complexity of joy and sorry, love and anger, pleasure and pain. We return again and again to continue learning and evolving.
I believe we carry over a lesson and or intention into our following lives until a completion is reached. From what I have witness of my past lives and that of other people’s is that we endure so we expand; our sense of compassion, understanding and forgiveness. Forgiveness for the self and others runs deep.
A PAST LIFE HEALING
A Past Life Reading can provide a larger perspective to one's life. No matter the depth of hurt, we can gain an understanding as to why it happened, why things exist now as they do and even how it is all for us rather than to or against us.
This is one of my recent healings from a past life reading regarding my father.
The context of my hurt feelings - or so I thought - was due to a disagreement between my husband and I. When tears began to brew, I retreated to my healing space, went to my mat, and laid down. The sense of the floor can be reassuring and ground one’s sense of being. I let go. Breath by breath, I invited my awareness deeper inward to reflect, listen, to feel - to witness. I allowed the trembling to come forth and the tears to flow. As I cried, I heard Spirit say, “You think this is about Dan, but it doesn’t. This has everything to do with your dad.”
I had recently spoken to my father over the phone and it had felt like such a lonely conversation. I could hear my dad’s voice, but the person on the other end was not him. Ever since my dad got sick several years ago, he has not been the same guy. Due to an irregular heartbeat, he had a series of Transient ischemic attacks (TIA). TIA’s are mini-strokes that happen undetected and though they usually do not cause permanent brain damage, my dad had so many that the results of his MRI showed lots of little “dots” on his brain; specs of brain damage. I believe this compromised his cognition and caused my father’s personality to alter.
Now, my father tends to be hyper focused on what is happening in his world. If the current conversation is not of interest to him, he simply will not contribute or partake in it all. If you want to talk with him, you have to wade through topics until you reach one that he connects with. It’s a slow and steady process, like gently tapping a tennis ball over the net to see if it will return to you. If not, you serve another and wait and see. As most conversations revolve around my dad’s interests, there is little room for me to share what is going on in my life. Regardless, I do my best to be present, to have him feel heard, but it is energetically draining. It is a challenge to not take his lack of interest personally. One year he forgot my birthday all together and boy that stung.
When my parents separated, it was my dad who moved out. Even though he made a consistent effort to be a part of my life, I missed him. As I got older, he became more distant so I found ways to spend time with him. I joined the tennis team my freshman year in high school and asked my dad to coach me on the weekends. After I was in collage, the sense of separation happened again so I consciously cultivated a relationship by having dad-daughter dates once a month. It would vary from lunch or dinner, walks or watching his tennis matches, or joining him for salsa dancing. We even sang karaoke together. People always got a kick out of us.
I am so grateful he was present, in mind and body the day he walked me down the aisle. There was something so significant in being able to place my arm through his and feel supported. Moments before the ceremony began, he gently tapped my hand and asked, “Are you ok, hija, you ready?” I nodded and said, “Yup, ready!” We both nodded to one another and waited for our musical cue.
For the reception, I had let him chose the song for our father-daughter dance. He picked “Isn’t She Lovely” by Stevie Wonder and then he had me chose between either the fox trot or Paso Doble’, a Spanish dance. I knew neither so I opted for the one with the simplest count; the fox trot. I trusted my dad’s ability to lead me, so when the time came I smiled, held my frame sturdy and followed his lead. I must have tripped over my own feet a dozen times, but I keep my eyes locked with my dad’s eyes and just kept going.
Dan and I were married in June 2013 and it was that August, when my dad got sick and things between us changed forever, though it took time for me to see and understand it. The guy who taught me how to play tennis and salsa dance, who encouraged me to listen more and lessen my quick-snap comments, who whisked me around during our father-daughter dance — was gone.
As I laid upon the ground, crying, Spirit began to show me all the past life times my dad and I - our spirits - had shared. There were several where we were comrades and had wreaked a lot of destruction and devastation upon other people. We had been savages, bandits, warriors - many life times where all we knew was war, battle, killing, defending and taking. I did not see much happiness in those life times or many of the ones that followed.
Spirit then showed me when my father and I convened to connect in this life time. I was shown the moment when I asked my dad’s spirit to be my father. He hesitated, reluctant because he did not know if he could be a good father. Looking at all the constellation points of my life plan, he could see and knew that he was going hurt me emotionally. During this spiritual meeting, I showed him why it was of value that he accept this role; that I was essentially agreeing to the hurt he would cause me because of what I wanted to learn.
He eventually accepted.
Then, Spirit showed me all the various ways my dad had been present as my father. I cried intensely because of the love I witnessed - at how my father truly did the best he could with what he knew how to do. I was so grateful to revisit those memories. I then was taken through the entire span of our time together in this life and Spirit said, “So you see, he agreed to be your father and he did indeed show up. He has been present. He has fulfilled his part of the agreement. Can it be enough that he showed up and was your father?”
I suddenly understood. It was enough.
Spirit then showed me my collection of expectations I carried for my dad. It was as though each time I interacted with my dad, I piled one suitcase upon another at his feet, each a need to be met, each with its own weight of entitlement. My dad had no knowledge of those needs. I then understood how I had cast this baggage of expectations - which contained much of my sense of self worth - upon my father. My father’s actions, or lack of, resulted in me feeling unloved, because I had chosen to place such a high value on him.
I had been striving for my father’s affection and approval for so long that I had forgotten there could be space or possibility for anything else. I was stuck in a hamster wheel, wondering why things were not different, or better, or more. Spirit invited me to forgive myself for wanting what I thought I needed. So, I did and began to see and understand how I had been appealing to an old system of thoughts. Those residuals programs no longer served me or the existing relationship with my father. As the guilt and shame washed away I felt a great sense of love, compassion and peace. Not just for myself, but also for my father. I understood that his path of life lessons was very different from mine and that it was enough he showed up in this life time, as I had asked, to be my dad. My sense of self worth was not my father’s responsibility; it was mine.
It had all been enough.
I was enough.
When we feel something it is important to look at what is surfacing. This is a time to tend to ourselves, to reflect, to understand - to own our experience. It is essential to feel what we do so as to understand. This is how we grow, evolve and learn to Love. There is always something to learn. Spirit speaks a lot to forgiveness for thyself first and foremost. Then, forgiveness can extend to the person who hurt you. This year my dad remembered my birthday two days later and that was ok. After all, he did remember. He is enough, just as he is, and so am I.
I truly don’t know if I would have been able to see and understand the purpose of the connection between my father and I, without the Past Life Reading. It is possible I would have gotten there eventually with a mindful, self healing practice, but it would have been very gradual. That’s what makes a past life reading so precious; it offers an overview of what is and why. Spirit is never critical or condescending; always compassionate, loving and insightful.
Spirit is always calling for us to love and free ourselves so as to bestow more love and compassion to others. In order to help heal the world, it is essential to heal ourselves first. If that journey feels damn near impossible, know that you do not have to go it alone. There are people, like me, who are ready to meet you where are on your path. Know your path may be super unconventional. I always say, “If it seems nonsensical but feels the best to you, then it’s your path.” Healing does not have to look or be one way: it is as unique as you are in the world.