Body shaming.
I’ve been good at it since I was eleven years old.
It was handed down through generations from a seed planted long ago.
I used to believe beauty was a level of perfection and my physical body was far from it. From the time I started exercising, every repetition made, every step taken, every advancement was towards achieving an idea of perfection. That meant, every effort reinforced how flawed I believed I was.
When I learned my uterine fibroids would prevent me from birthing, I felt shame because my body was “broken”. I went into survival mode and sought out many holistic practices in an effort to heal my uterus. Just like exercising, each treatment was me attacking the belief that my body had failed.
When I realized this was the underlying approach to healing myself, I knew healing wasn’t possible. So, I decided to stop. I instead chose to believe I was whole and beautiful, just as I was. This became my new “work out regime”.
I stopped running, working out, acupuncture, herbs, even being a vegan and just started practicing on liking myself. It felt so weird! My ego flipped out a little - how could I lessen my intention to fix myself?!
I started small. For instance, when I looked in the mirror to see if my outfit seemed presentable - I’d look at the clothing and not my flaws. Enjoyed the chocolate candy and did not count the calories. Went for a soothing walk with the dog and opted to not worry about the cellulite I should be burning off.
I began to enjoy myself, nature and life again. I could take a long walk on the beach and appreciate the beautiful view and the simple sensation of my feet sinking into the sand. Food tasted good again and I had a renewed vigor to create healthy, balanced and delicious meals. I simply let go of the criticism and embraced self compassion.
There is a story about a woman who went to a silent Buddhist retreat. She was used to going for a daily run and asked one of the monks if it was ok that she ran daily whilst on the retreat. The monk replied, “Why? What are you running from?” He suggested she reflect within and ponder as to what the intention was, what exactly drove her to run. She stopped running and did not restart until it was something she did for the sheer joy of it, months after she returned home.
This story struck home for me. I realized how much I had been degrading myself with every form of exercise I did. I had been reinforcing my negative self image for 30+ years. So, I stopped. Stopped running, stopped lifting weights, stopped measuring my waist line.
Feeling insecure and unsafe in my own body and now knowing how the opposite feels - so precious, loving and nurturing - is why I highly value creating a safe space in my classes and workshops. If I can help you tap into self-love, even for a second, then that love has a chance to flourish. When we can stop the wheel, be still and present to thyself - we can connect within and remember that we are radiant energy and not just physical matter. We are connected to a greater source that connects us all - beings, plants, Earth. This connection is reconnecting to our true essence.
I close with these questions, dear reader: when was the last time you looked in the mirror just to smile at yourself? When as the last time you rested your hands over your heart and just breathed?
If you can’t remember, then stop - right now - and go do it.
If you’d like to share what the experience was like, please feel free to post a comment.