“One moment we’ll be feeling good, moving on in some productive activity - or some not-so productive activity (one doesn’t have to be productive!) - and something will happen to bring back the the grief as though it were all fresh.”
On Friday, August 17, 2018 my dear friend Matthew Hoyne died after a well fought battle with cancer. We knew the day would come when we learned of his diagnosis. Even so, the sadness, grief and missing him was no less.
With Matthew’s passing, I consciously decided to give myself the space needed to experience and process my grief. Though familiar with loved ones transitioning, giving myself this needed space was a first. I didn’t properly grieve when friend Kelly and my mother passed away. Instead, I went back on auto pilot; returned to work, planned my wedding, and relocated to Old Town Pasadena. Nine months later I found myself with an anxiety attack at Home Depot. The trigger: my husband asked which large flower pot I wanted for our balcony. That was it.
Wiser this time, I allowed myself to be with my emotions as much and often as they were willing to arise. I took advantage of the bereavement support made available by Serenity House and decided to participate in a Writing to Heal Group. The group met once a week, for five weeks. In each gathering, we wrote about our grief for ten to fifteen minutes, the rule being that your pen had to keep moving across the page. Worry not about punctuation, grammar; just expression. We then each shared our writing. Listeners could comment on what was shared, not judge the writer.
This particular group happened to be all women. These women were not afraid to say how much they hated hurting, or were angry for missing, or were simply grateful for loving. It was comforting to hear their words, while being able to share my thoughts and feelings in a open-setting. Writing, sharing and relating through our grief was a profound privilege. It was empowering to be a part of such an amazing group of ladies, who bared their strength by being vulnerable, honest and REAL.
Following is my writing from our last week together:
When I stopped and listened, my body told me what it was holding. That gave the gate-keeper of my emotions to tell me their story. And there it was, almost like a surprise; my boxed up feelings. I could feel the crease of concern between my brows. My brain was trying to understand what was coming out of the box - as if in doing so - it might be able to keep the waves from rolling out. But, out they came. Anger, sadness, grief, an intense frustration of not being able to articulate the feelings, guilt for the feelings, and hurt. My heart though, felt like the patient mother; waiting, observing and able to embrace every part of me that was present, with absolute love. My body wanted to get up and run out of the room proclaiming “Nope! I don’t want to feel this!” but my heart allowed for everything simply to BE, to flow, to process. I simply trusted the wisdom of my heart, the Love. I surrendered.
It was ok to feel what I felt because emotions can guide us. I had to wonder how much I had been burying. Was I coping? Ignoring? I was not sure and decided to not judge myself, but nurse myself. I decided to just be there, in the moment, as I was. I started there.
A few days later, during my morning pranayama practice, as I watched my breath, I could feel that little pocket of wanting to cry. And it was ok to feel that way.
In a society where talking about one’s grief can make people uncomfortable and the subject of death is still largely viewed as taboo, Writing to Heal was deeply healing. Creative expression without judgement, who would have thought that baring one’s heart and soul with fierce honesty would prove to be just what I needed? There where many moments when I cried along with the writer as she read her words. Other moments, I wanted to give a high five for their authenticity. I may never see these women again, but they have made an imprint upon my heart that will forever be.
Though I miss my dear friend, Matthew, I am so grateful for the never ending love that always IS. I feel as though he continues to gift me his friendship through the love and support of amazing women all around me. Thank you, Matthew.
A heartfelt thank you, to every incredible woman,
that touches my heart and blesses me with their friendship.
If you are seeking support through your bereavement, please take a moment to contact your local Hospice Care. There are many free resources available. Below are two websites you can refer to:
http://www.mygriefangels.org/grief-support-directory-.html
Remember, you’re worth it.