“We can’t will ourselves to not feel anything. Life doesn’t work like that.” ~ Supergirl
A big and essential component in the work that I do is to create a space in which my clients can feel safe to identify and be with their emotions. When we can label our feelings, we enable ourselves to heal. The process of identifying moves us into ownership versus the feelings owning us. This then enables the body to release where that emotion has been stored. Because our bodies are amazing storage lockers, this “storage process” can block our vitality and create dis-ease. In order to unblock we have to unlock our feelings and a key is identifying what they are.
Emotional Capacity is when one is able to manage their emotions, be empathetic, and understand the feelings of others. When one lacks emotional capacity they are ruled by their feelings, lack empathy and have trouble understanding other people’s emotions. Emotional literacy is the foundation of our emotional capacity.
Emotional literacy can be defined as the ability to identify and label our feelings, the feelings of others, and to cope with and express our emotions in appropriate and healthy ways. Brene’ Brown breaks down the components of emotional literacy in her recent book, “Dare To Lead.” Brene’ B is one of my superheroes. For me, Brene’ is right up there with Wonder Woman. She is a modern day wonder woman.
In reading “Section Four: Shame and Empathy” I realized I come from an emotionally illiterate family. In my family, you didn’t talk about your feelings. The main focus in my family was what you did and how well you did it; it was performance driven, result based. There was not the capacity for one to express their feelings. Many emotions were struck down, or swept aside, because they made mi familia uncomfortable. Behavior was rewarded or rebuked, but the root never, if ever, examined. The space to learn emotional literacy lacked.
Both my parents stemmed from families who were unpracticed in emotional literacy. We all are products of our previous generations, so when we choose to be different from our family systems, we “go against the grain” of what we have been taught. You become an emotional pioneer in unknown territory. This is why conscious healing of our emotional body is so vital and also why it can be so damn hard. But, the pursuit of one’s truth is never a solo cruise; you eventually find your people.
My ability to have constructive conversations that involve sharing how I feel and why has been a long road, but it has not been a lone one. It has taken a village for me to learn what I know and practice today: between my therapists, relationships, soul sisters, authors of all the books I’ve absorbed, teachers of all the practices I have embraced….we can’t grow alone and we don’t have to. We all need our village and we can cultivate it along the way. Where we believe, or see our family as lacking (in my case: talking about our emotions), we can find and develop new in new collectives.
In continuing to develop my emotional literacy and thus broaden my emotional capacity, I find that it’s always helpful to start with “the basics”; identify what I am feeling first - without shame or self criticism. Once I identify it, I can then own it and create space in which to process it. Otherwise, it can become the hairy scary monster lurking in the corner of the maze; you’ll never escape it.
Step 1: Name it; own it.
Step 2: Accept yourself as you are with the way you feel.
Step 3: Give yourself time and space to process.
Step 4: Reflect versus react and make a conscious choice moving forward.
We are geared to jump into action, to solve the problem and leave our emotions for last, if at all. Our society says that only the weak ones know their feelings. The truth is: the ones who know, can be present to and process their feelings are the healthy individuals who have a handle on life because they are not in a spin cycle of reacting: they’re responding.
Develop your emotional literacy. Reach out, ask questions, listen, reflect, learn and increase your emotional vocabulary. Cultivate the space you need in order to grow. That means recognizing and being honest with yourself about the people you can have these conscious conversations with and the ones you can’t. Then, every time you identify an emotion, be kind to yourself, patient and self-loving. This is the “dirty work” of drudging so you can clear so let your tears flow if need be. It is up to each of us to break the cycle and cultivate anew.
In a healing session with me, I’ll let you know that you’re in a no shaming space, then invite you to lay down your armor and prop up your feet. As we identify your emotions and tap into where they are stored, I will breathe and share in this sacred space with you, but not pity you. It takes a courageous heart to live an authentic life. When you are brave enough to embrace all of yourself, you become a personal hero to many.
If you are interested in learning more about my Intuitive Healing Sessions, click here.