On Tuesday, June 6th 2018 fashion designer Kate Spade hung herself inside her New York home with a scarf. She left a suicide note addressed to her daughter, age 13. Two days later on
Thursday, June 8th renowned chef Anthony Bourdain hung himself in his hotel bathroom in Kayserberg, France. He too also had a daughter, age 11.
1987: I was age eleven when my mother tried to end her life by taking a bottle of pills. It was her second attempt. The first was when my mother was in college.
1993: I learned about the second attempt from my mom’s sister. The story was delivered without much compassion, shared very matter-of-factly. I was not given time or space to process the information in a healthy way. Furthermore, I was not allowed to tell any of my friends because each of them knew her as a "professional figure and leader" in our school.
Questions spiraled: didn’t my mother love me? Didn’t I matter? Did she realize that I would have been the one to find her body? Did she consider how that could have affected me? I believed I was not enough for her to want to fight her inner battles and demons. This felt like a betrayal.
2004: Deep in the trenches of depression, my mother was placed on suicide watch.
My sister and I went from daughters to guardians for 72 hours. My mother’s behavior during this period demanded attention. In an effort to provide a healthy distraction for my mom, I gathered a group of her friends to go out to dinner. My mother became jealous because I “stole” all the attention. It was that evening, as I watched my mother strive to have all eyes on her, that I realized the depth of her wounds and how those wounds had hurt me. Our relationship was built on approval, not unconditional love. She was competitive, not compassionate. One could not help but wonder if her call for help was really a call for attention? The very next week I started seeing a family therapist.
Cut to present day…..
I tried my best to process the news about Spade and Bourdain. I consistently checked in with myself to see if I was feeling emotional or reactive but nothing registered. In hindsight, I certainly did not feel like myself. I felt tired, burnt out and attributed it to the fact that my husband Dan and I were overdue for a vacation. Being burnt out made sense.
Our vacation was three weeks and I felt burnt out through most of it. There were so many beautiful sights and wonderful experiences with family and friends but I felt separated from most of it. It was as though I watched it all from a distance.
Near the end of our vacation, I learned about Reactive Depression from a dear friend who’s mother did end her life when she was eleven years old. Same age as I was when my mother tried to take her life a second time.
Reactive depression is a subtype of clinical depression or major depressive disorder. It is also sometimes called an adjustment disorder with depressed mood, and is characterized by a depressed state in direct response to an external event. * The term resonated with me. I felt the veil begin to lift; I began to understand what my body was doing, how it was reacting. The body is our best companion and it too will register and process an experience in its own way.
Back in Santa Barbara, in late July….
We watched “The Snowman”, a psychological thriller which stars Michael Fassbender, a detective in search of a serial killer. In the beginning, a young boy’s mother takes her life right in front of him. As the car sunk into the murky ice water of the frozen lake, the mother gazed at her son, while the boy watched helpless. The boy in the film looked to be about 10 to 11 years old. My eyes blinked rapidly in astonishment and I thought “What the f** is up with all these parents committing suicide whom have children?”
I felt a shudder of anger wash through me. In moments, Guttural, deep sobs unleashed from deep within. My husband held me and I allowed myself to shake in his arms as whirls of emotions purged deep from my soul.
I wrestle with the full being of my mother’s dark side. People like to argue their perception of her with my reality. Many people had the impression of my mother as a solid individual: strong, independent, direct and a get-it-done person. There was certainly that side of her. However, those closest to her knew she battled depression. I suspect, that had my mother sought counseling she would have likely been diagnosed as manic depressive. She operated magic on the highs and crashed into the darkness when in the lows.
I am grateful to have released those deep and heavy emotions that were buried for so long. I feel reconnected with myself in a deeper, loving way. I understand there will likely be triggers in the future and I accept that. I don’t believe my mother intended to hurt me or my sister in the ways in which she did. She was wounded and didn’t give herself permission to heal.
Though my mother did harm, it is up to me consciously heal. My personal practice is to allow and give myself time and space to process when something surfaces. I know and trust that I am worthy and it is up to me fill the cup. My daily practice is to love thyself. Life lessons are profound and may we all have the grace to be present for them within our own hearts.
If you are in crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
READING REFERENCES
*Definition of Reactive Depression
http://www.psyweb.com/articles/depression/definition-of-reactive-depression/
Coping With a Parent’s Suicide
https://childmind.org/article/coping-with-a-parents-suicide/
An Open Letter to Any Child Who Lost a Parent to Suicide
https://psychcentral.com/lib/an-open-letter-to-children-who-lose-a-parent-to-suicide/
Support After Suicide (Provides helpful tips on how to be a supportive partner/friend)