A week ago, while on a beach walk, in an attempt to gracefully leap away from a soft rolling wave, I smacked the second toe of my left foot on a rock. My toe bled immediately and the pain was significant. I continued walking because my car was a lengthy distance away, so I had to continue moving either way. Grateful for the company of my beautiful friend, as I ambled along, I pondered aloud some introspections that arose due to the injury. All the while, the cold water alleviated the ache. Every so often I’d glance down at my toe to see the waves gently wash the blood away. Mother Earth softly soothed my feet.

When I returned home, as I made my way to the bathroom, blood dripped and pooled onto my flip flop. It was quite a dramatic sight. Upon examination, I saw the jagged laceration ran parallel to the cuticle. Though I had not broken the bone or injured any other toes, it was incredibly humbling. After I thoroughly washed and bandaged my toe, I contacted my clients to cancel my private sessions. That is when my Ego started tripping.

For the rest of the day, my Ego wailed like a coyote off in the hills. “This is sooooo stupid! This is, like, the smallest part of the body! C’mon!” Fear of loosing my livelihood flared like fireworks popping off in the dark night of the soul. Guilt, a sense of failure and many questions ricochetted through my mind. “Does this mean something? Was this an unconscious act of self-sabotage? What exactly is my fear?…” all boomeranged in my noggin. I tried to catch when my Ego blared so as to shift my awareness down into my heart; it was a constant teeter-totter.

I awoke in the middle of the night well aware of my toe. After tossing and turning a bit, I calmed my mind with a few deep breaths, and a rested a hand on my heart. Then, I finally asked the question, “Did this happen for a reason?”

Spirit: “Yes.”

Me: “So…there is a purpose in this?”

Spirit: “Absolutely. For now, rest and the answer will be revealed in the morning.”

Hearing that encouraged me to surrender my fear and as much of my Ego, as I could, to Spirit. It was like luring a feral cat, cleverly shrouding it in a warm blanket, then slowly and gently handing it to animal control. Except, it was about releasing control. Letting go, as much as I could, allowed me to fall into a restful sleep. I felt held in love, by something greater than myself.

The next morning, after a very mindful stretching practice I sat in meditation. This is what Spirit said.

You are too comfortable, too identified in your physical offerings. This injury is an invitation for you to move even deeper into the energy (of channeling and healing). Though the practice of yoga has been an incredible gate way for you, from the physical into the metaphysical, you still strongly identify with the body in such a way that it is limiting your access of the energy. The limiting belief that your physical offerings are the way to create financial prosperity is untrue. We invite you to move away from the comfort of these limiting beliefs and embrace the truth of your whole self. You are meant to be a gateway to help many heal. If you keep leaning on the physical identification of yourself as a healer, you will always limit your true, full potential and ability to do the work you genuinely feel called to do. It’s time to let go of the familiar and embrace your full potential. The shift has already begun and the pieces will fall into place. We will shape the how for you.

As I compose this particular entry, it has been just a few days over a week since my toe injury. It’s amazing to think that my toe was and is an invitation to go deeper and expand my trust further. Every time I look at the little guy, I marvel at how tiny it all is relative to the powerful purpose it has served. Our body is a universe unto itself and we each, as people are a part of Life’s Universe.

During a recent yoga practice, I had a surreal moment. I was in a revolved forward fold and felt my distinct physical presence on the floor and an energetic, magnetic grounding of my energy. I was fully aware of myself on the Earth. At the same time, I heard Spirit say:

Remember the body is an avatar and everything about it is temporary. Even your thoughts and emotions are continually transitory. Supporting your presence through conscious connection to yourself in this physical representation is necessary, but it is even more essential to remember the deepest, most innate Self of who you fully and truly are. Cosmic consciousness, connection, compassion. Go there, be there, love there.

It sounds counterintuitive and feels ironic: we are temporary and every experience and emotion is also temporary, but yet we feel so much.

The human experience is beautiful, profound and certainly presents its challenges. Heart ache, heart break, domination, devastation, destruction, despair and yet we can also experience hope, joy, bliss, compassion, understanding, love, learning, growth, and evolution. We must treat our physical body with respect for it is our connection to and in the world, but we must also remember the whole truth of our Being is more than body and mind; it is heart, soul and spirit. When we are disconnected from our Inner Truth, the physical world will work in conjunction with the metaphysical and do its best to guide one back to their inner sense of alignment.

While it may be a big stretch for some to understand or even accept that a toe injury could have great significance, I believe it was a small wake up call. And, I certainly don’t want or need a bigger one! I trust in the abstract, in the unseen of life. The unseen is where all the power really is: one’s intuition, intention, inner voice, inner Knowing. I believe that we are all being invited to move into that space of living. To be clear, I am not declaring that my experience is a mandate for everyone else - no, I am simply inviting everyone to see the signs and signals as they appear for them. Beyond adhering to the signs, please remember to practice self love and self compassion, for they are the first steps inward and the big ones we all need to move forward.

When I was twenty five years old I discovered my first white hair. I plucked it out, looked at it, decided it was the end of the world, and went back to bed. Later, I of course posted about it on Facebook and received various commiserating comments. I realized I was not alone in feeling sad about aging. My reaction was dramatic because many of my elders colored their hair, especially the women. My response imitated what I saw modeled by the elders around me; shame. There was and still is such a stigma of embarrassment around fading hair color and almost anything aging-related. A truth many people are unaware of is that when one ages, their entire complexion - skin, eyes and hair - all transition in harmony. Unfortunately, many do not allow themselves the opportunity to see this because they feel so pressed upon to hit the pause button.

Everywhere we turn, we are inundated with messages on how not to appreciate our natural selves. It is burned into our self perceptions that we must always “better ourselves” and to remain young looking is the key to happiness, being loved and accepted. In a documentary a fashion expert said (something along the lines of), “Fashion has never been designed to meet the needs of the consumer…it is geared to make you want to be the person in the commercial images…to make you feel inadequate otherwise.” Marketing tactics are geared to make many fear aging. Trends are determined by fashion and cosmetic industries, not us.

Whatever symbolism of youth one chooses to hold onto is unique to them. I do not mind my increasing number of gray hairs, but it took me awhile to accept when it was time to permanently remove my navel ring. In 2021, my doctor and surgeon required my navel piercing be removed before the procedure. It was the first time it had been taken out in nearly thirty years. To me, my navel looked naked without it. After my abdomen mended, I had the piercing reinserted to commemorate my healing. And….quite honestly, my Ego needed it. That belly ring was a bookmark and symbolism of my self agency.

Over the decades, the piercing’s setting progressively moved closer to the epidermis until there was nothing between my skin and the ring. The time had come; it was time to remove the piercing permanently. I knew the day would come eventually, but I had to sit with it for a while. I removed my belly button ring for the last time in May 2022. I anticipated being emotional, but instead I found myself in awe. The removal process was quick and easy: the ring slid out in one smooth move. As I gazed upon the jewelry in my hand, I marveled at how something so tiny once held such a sense of empowerment. Rather than grief, I instead felt love and admiration of my younger-self for having done what she wanted to do; it was her body, her will.

That said, every time I look upon my belly now it looks naked. I am still becoming familiar without it being dressed. In truth, everything about my stomach is different; I have a C-section scar, my waist size is different, the consistency of the skin is softer - everything is different. I choose to hold my tummy with humility, rather than remorse, for it is mine and it is now just adorned…differently.

Upon entering my 40’s, I stopped being apologetic and began releasing the idea of perfection and instead began to embrace self acceptance. I’ve done away with intense exercises to force-fix and mold my body because it is unkind and they just don’t feel good. At one point in time, high intensity work outs and hill sprints that put me on the brink of nausea served their purpose - or so I believed. Every so often I see images of myself throughout the decades 20’s, 30’s, early 40’s and as I look at myself I think, “Why did I think I was so (insert negative description here)? It was an old story that played itself on a loop.

Mindfulness: The self approach today requires being present to my thoughts so I can catch the self-shaming before it begins. That means not just the inner dialogue, but also the judgmental comments that could fly out of my mouth about someone else. For those we judge exemplify how we judge ourselves. What ever negative rhetoric we say, our subconscious hears it and it reinforces our negative self perception. On and on the wheel spins - if you allow it.

My reflection: Here is an example I’m sure many can relate to. Recently my eyes locked onto the reflection of my body and my gaze instantly went to where it is trained to go for an “evaluation” - to my bum. I realized, even before the criticism began it made me feel sad. I took a breath, moved my gaze to another part of my body and chose to appreciate it. I did not deny my initial feeling and then cultivated positive ones in its place. I walked away from the mirror carrying that with me and not shame.

Stop comparisons: Every comparison you make is an opinion against yourself. Comparisons reinforce the stories, that deepen the shadow beliefs, that taint how you see yourself. Life is not a competition, nor should you be at war within yourself. Comparisons take energy that could otherwise be invested into creating new ways of thinking and being that are healthy.

Recognize opportunities for self love vs humiliation: My hubby and I will soon travel to Costa Rica to relax in a cozy cabin by the beach. A younger me would be a harsh critic and view my body as far from perfect. A list of all my flaws would be compiled to catapult myself into a regime of “bettering myself.” I’m not buying into that today. I’m not dieting or even stepping on a scale. Today, I consciously chose to honor and celebrate my body just as it is.

Cultivate well-being a feeling good about myself: I walk daily and practice yoga four to five days a week. The type of yoga varies day to day based on how I feel and what my body needs. Some days I simply lay on the ground and breathe. I approach my practice as a meditation. I tune into the way muscles feels, the rhythm of my breath, to simply recognizing the here and now. I share this not to suggest you should do the same, but to encourage you to do what feels good to you. Our body provides guidance, we just have to be wiling to listen.

I have learned the relationship I cultivate with myself can be beautiful and love filled. I do my best to fully see myself with love and compassion. I choose to accept what is naturally changing now and what will change over time. As the color and texture of my hair changes so are the color of my irises; the edges have begun to fade from amber-brown into a navy blue. My skin is softer and lines in my face are starting to appear. I love them all.

What I have begun to scrutinize is my clothing: if it doesn’t make me feel good about myself out it goes. I no longer wear form-fitting T-shirts, cropped tanks, low-waisted pants - this way I don’t ever have to worry about my tummy puffing out. Guess who is going to enjoy her meal without worrying about bloating? This girl! The length of my shorts are now 5” versus 3” so I’m never wondering, “Are my butt cheeks hanging out? Do they look good?” Nope, none of that. I’m now interested in clothing that makes me feel good versus clothing that I hope makes me look good. Cute, cozy and comfy is my new fashion motto.

I believe the key to eternal youth is loving thyself, being honest and kind to yourself. We have got to love ourself forward. The love will not suddenly bloom once you reach your idealized body goal; it has to be cultivated along the way. Self acceptance needs to be nurtured.

If you don’t know “how to” approach yourself with love because it was not been modeled by your elders, turn to your friends and elders you do admire and ask. One of the best ways to break down taboos is to talk about them. I am so grateful to know many beautiful women that are older than I am. I witness them, look to them and learn from them. During the pandemic I saw many elder women allowing their natural grey-silver hair to grow out and they look stunning. The color of their eyes have become brighter because their entire complexion is as it is meant to be; naturally harmonized. It could be such a different world if people, especially women, all learned to turn inward instead of outward for validation.

I acknowledge I am not yet an elder and am merely in my mid-40’s, but I do hope that in sharing my truth it will inspire others to live more authentically and lovingly, with themselves. The entire make up of us - the Me. Myself. I - deserve to feel loved and accepted just as they are. We all do.

I haven’t decided what to do with my navel ring yet. Wear it as a pendant or toe ring perhaps? Or maybe just keep it in my jewelry box? But, I have decided that self love is a practice I can never do away with.

Ohhh, no Toe...Leggo My Ego!

How Do I Age With Grace?